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The Secret Sharer
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charge while I least expected anything of the sort, not quite a fort-
night ago. 1 didn't know either the ship or the people. Hadn't had
the time in port to look about me or size anybody up. And as to
the crew, all they knew was that I was appointed to take the ship
home. For the rest, I was almost as much of a stranger on board as
himself, I said. And at the moment I felt it most acutely. I felt that
it would take very little to make me a suspect person in the eyes of
the ship's company.
He had turned about meantime; and we, the two strangers in the
ship, faced each other in identical attitudes.
'Your ladder —' he murmured, after a silence. 'Who'd have
thought of finding a ladder hanging over at night in a ship anchored
out here! I felt just then a very unpleasant faintness. After the life
I've been leading for nine weeks, anybody would have got out of
condition. I wasn't capable of swimming round as far as your rud-
der-chains. And, lo and behold! there was a ladder to get hold of.
After I gripped it I said to myself, "What's the good?" When I saw
a man's head looking over I thought I would swim away presently
and leave him shouting - in whatever language it was. I didn't
mind being looked at. I - I liked it. And then you speaking to me
so quietly — as if you had expected me — made me hold on a little
longer. It had been a confounded lonely time - I don't mean while
swimming. I was glad to talk a little to somebody that didn't be-
long to the
Sephora.
As to asking for the captain, that was a mere
impulse. It could have been no use, with all the ship knowing about
me and the other people pretty certain to be round here in the
morning. I don't know — I wanted to be seen, to talk with some-
body, before I went on. I don't know what I would have said. . . .
"Fine night, isn't it?" or something of the sort.'
'Do you think they will be round here presently?' I asked with
some incredulity.
'Quite likely,' he said, faintly.
He looked extremely haggard all of a sudden. His head rolled on
his shoulders.
'H'm. We shall see then. Meantime get into that bed,' I whis-
pered. 'Want help? There.'
It was a rather high bed-place with a set of drawers underneath.
This amazing swimmer really needed the lift I gave him by seizing
his leg. He tumbled in, rolled over on his back, and flung one arm
across his eyes. And then, with his face nearly hidden, he must have
124 Joseph Conrad
looked exactly as I used to look in that bed. I gazed upon my other
self for a while before drawing across carefully the two green serge
curtains which ran on a brass rod. I thought for a moment of pin-
ning them together for greater safety, but I sat down on the couch,
and once there I felt unwilling to rise and hunt for a pin. I would
do it in a moment. I was extremely tired, in a peculiarly intimate
way, by the strain of stealthiness, by the effort of whispering, and
the general secrecy of this excitement. It was three o'clock by now
and I had been on my feet since nine, but I was not sleepy; I could
not have gone to sleep. I sat there, fagged out, looking at the cur-
tains, trying to clear my mind of the confused sensation of being in
two places at once, and greatly bothered by an exasperating knock-
ing in my head. It was a relief to discover suddenly that it was not
in my head at all, but on the outside of the door. Before I could
collect myself the words 'Come in' were out of my mouth, and the
steward entered with a tray, bringing in my morning coffee. I had
slept, after all, and I was so frightened that I shouted, 'This way! I
am here, steward,' as though he had been miles away. He put down
the tray on the table next the couch and only then said, very quietly,
'I can see you are here, sir.' I felt him give me a keen look, but I
dared not meet his eyes just then. He must have wondered why I
had drawn the curtains of my bed before going to sleep on the
couch. He went out, hooking the door open as usual.
I heard the crew washing decks above me. I knew I would have
been told at once if there had been any wind. Calm, I thought, and
I was doubly vexed. Indeed, I felt dual more than ever. The steward
reappeared suddenly in the doorway. I jumped up from the couch
so quickly that he gave a start.
'What do you want here?'
'Close your port, sir — they are washing decks.'
it is closed,' I said, reddening.
'Very well, sir.' But he did not move from the doorway and re-
turned my stare in an extraordinary, equivocal manner for a time.
Then his eyes wavered, all his expression changed, and in a voice
unusually gentle, almost coaxingly:
'May I come in to take the empty cup away, sir?'
'Of course!' I turned my back on him while he popped in and
out. Then I unhooked and closed the door and even pushed the
bolt. This sort of thing could not go on very long. The cabin was
as hot as an oven, too. I took a peep at my double, and discovered
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