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6z Mark Twain
a really important matter, and admired its two heroes as men of
transcendent genius in
finesse.
To me, the spectacle of a man drift-
ing serenely along through such a queer yarn without ever smiling,
was exquisitely absurd. As I said before, I asked him to tell me
what he knew of Rev. Leonidas W. Smiley, and he replied as fol-
lows. I let him go on in his own way, and never interrupted him
once:
There was a feller here once by the name of
Jim
Smiley in the
winter of '49 — or may be it was the spring of '50 — I don't recollect
exactly, somehow, though what makes me think it was one or the
other is because I remember the big flume wasn't finished when he
first came to the camp; but anyway, he was the curiosest man
about, always betting on anything that turned up you ever see, if
he could get anybody to bet on the other side; and if he couldn't,
he'd change sides. Anyway that suited the other man would suit
him - anyway just so's he got a bet,
he
was satisfied. But still he
was lucky, uncommon lucky; he most always come out winner. He
was always ready and laying for a chance; there couldn't be no
solit'ry thing mentioned but that feller'd offer to bet on it, and take
any side you please, as I was just telling you. If there was a horse-
race, you'd find him flush, or you'd find him busted at the end of
it; if there was a dog-fight, he'd bet on it; if there was a cat-fight,
he'd bet on it; if there was a chicken-fight, he'd bet on it; why, if
there was two birds sitting on a fence, he would bet you which one
would fly first; or if there was a camp-meeting, he would be there
reg'lar, to bet on Parson Walker, which he judged to be the best
exhorter about here, and so he was, too, and a good man. If he
even seen a straddle-bug start to go anywheres, he would bet you
how long it would take him to get wherever he was going to, and
if you took him up, he would foller that straddle-bug to Mexico,
but what he would find out where he was bound for and how long
he was on the road. Lots of the boys here has seen that Smiley, and
can tell you about him. Why, it never made no difference to
him -
he would bet on
any
thing - the dangdest feller. Parson Walker's
wife laid very sick once, for a good while, and it seemed as if they
warn't going to save her; but one morning he come in, and Smiley
asked how she was, and he said she was considerable better - thank
the Lord for his inf'nit mercy - and coming on so smart that, with
the blessing of Prov'dence, she'd get well yet; and Smiley, before
The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County 63
he thought, says, 'Well, I'll risk two-and-a-half that she don't,
anyway.'
Thish-yer Smiley had a mare — the boys called her the fifteen-
minute nag, but that was only in fun, you know, because, of course,
she was faster than that - and he used to win money on that horse,
for all she was so slow and always had the asthma, or the distem-
per, or the consumption, or something of that kind. They used to
give her two or three hundred yards' start, and then pass her under
way; but always at the fag-end of the race she'd get excited and
desperate-like, and come cavorting and straddling up, and scatter-
ing her legs around limber, sometimes in the air, and sometimes out
to one side amongst the fences, and kicking up m-o-r-e dust and
raising m-o-r-e racket with her coughing and sneezing and blowing
her nose — and always fetch up at the stand, just about a neck
ahead, as near as you could cipher it down.
And he had a little small bull-pup, that to look at him you'd
think he warn't worth a cent, but to set around and look ornery,
and lay for a chance to steal something. But as soon as money was
upon him, he was a different dog; his under-jaw'd begin to stick
out like the fo'castle of a steamboat and his teeth would uncover,
and shine savage like the furnaces. And a dog might tackle him,
and bully-rag him, and bite him, and throw him over his shoulder
two or three times, and Andrew Jackson - which was the name of
the pup - Andrew Jackson would never let on but what
he
was
satisfied, and hadn't expected nothing else — and the bets being
doubled and doubled on the other side all the time, till the money
was all up; and then all of a sudden he would grab that other dog
jest by the j'int of his hind leg and freeze to it - not chaw, you
understand, but only jest grip and hang on till they throwed up the
sponge, if it was a year. Smiley always come out winner on that
pup, till he harnessed a dog once that didn't have no hind legs,
because they'd been saw'd off by a circular saw, and when the thing
had gone along far enough, and the money was all up, and he come
to make a snatch for his pet holt, he saw in a minute how he'd been
imposed on, and how the other dog had him in the door, so to
speak, and he 'peared surprised, and then he looked sorter discour-
aged-like, and didn't try no more to win the fight, and so he got
shucked out bad. He gave Smiley a look, as much as to say his
heart was broke, and it was
his
fault, for putting up a dog that
hadn't no hind legs for him to take holt of, which was his main
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