Scatter Brained

YAZDEGERD THE WICKED (?–420)
Like any historical fi gure, Old Yazdegerd’s level of atrocious-
ness varies depending on whom you talk to. While ruling the 
Sassanian kingdom of Persia from 399 to 420 CE he clashed 
with the Zoroastrian priesthood, who dubbed him “wicked.” 
His name literally meant “made by God,” PR gold that just 
didn’t stick.
Sticks and Stones May Break 
My Bones
Not every monarch was blessed with a fearsome “the Terrible” or 
an awe-inspiring “the Magnifi cent.” Some royal nicknames are 
just plain weird, like 10th-century English King Ethelred the Un-
ready (circa 978–1016): His nickname is a pun on his real name, 
Unraed, which in Anglo-Saxon means “indecisive.” Louis V of 
France didn’t achieve much in the one year he was king (986–
987) so he was dubbed Louis the Sluggard. Some names need no 
explanation: Fortún of Pamplona, the One-Eyed; Eirik II of Nor-
way, the Priest Hater; Louis II of France, the Stammerer. Lest we 
forget, monarchial nicknaming isn’t just an historical phenomenon; 
contemporary Duchess of York Sarah Ferguson’s (Fergie’s) battle 
with obesity earned her the title “Duchess of Pork” in British 
 tabloids. She’s made the most of her rep, however, publishing self-
help guides like 
Dieting with the Duchess
 as well as a kiss-and-tell-
all, 
My Story.
 Of course, that brings us to our story on kissing and 
telling. . . .