Scatter Brained

C H A P T E R   4

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96
S C A T T E R B R A I N E D
an  autobiography refracted through the facets of her world-
renowned collection, from the diamond tiara given to her by 
fi lm  producer  Mike  Todd  (hubby  #3)  to  the  jaw-dropping, 
pear-shaped Krupp diamond gifted by Richard Burton (hubby 
#6 and #7). Th
  e Krupp diamond, by the way, was at the time 
the 56th largest in the world and one of the most precious 
stones in private hands. Some girls have all the luck.
✖  ✖  ✖
We’ve all seen the less-than-subtle product placements in 
movies—but in novels? In 2001, literary types were shocked 
to discover that author Fay Weldon’s latest novel, 
Th
 e Bulgari 
Connection,
 had more than just a titular connection to the 
jewelry manufacturer. Bulgari had, in fact, paid Weldon to 
write it. Th
  at explains the dozens of near-sexual descriptions 
of their products found within (“it was a sleek modern 
piece . . . the mount following the irregular contours of the 
thin worn bronze”), but not why a respectable, Booker Prize–
nominated writer would accept such a payoff . In her defense, 
a defi ant Weldon said, “I don’t care. Th
  ey never give me the 
Booker  prize  anyway!”  Having  earned  so  much  critical  con-
demnation, she’s unlikely to get one now. Unless she chooses 
a pseudonym. . . .
06
 Great Pseudonyms
In Proverbs it’s written that “a good name is rather to be cho-
sen than great riches.” Shakespeare agreed, writing in 
Othello
 
that “good name in man and woman . . . is the immediate jewel 
of their souls.” Which is why, for all you Nedberts and Poindex-
ters out there, sometimes it’s best to just cut bait and start 

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97
over. Here are our all-time fa-
vorite pseudonyms—from art, 
music, and science—because 
like the Book of Ecclesiastes 
says:  “A  good  name  is  better 
than precious ointment.” (Or 
something.)
✖  ✖  ✖
Not familiar with the 
Dionaea 
muscipula
? You might know it 
better by its wicked nickname: 
the Venus fl ytrap. While that’s 
a plenty-cool pseudonym these 
days, the misogynistic bota-
nists who came up with it in 
the 17th century didn’t mean 
it to be fl attering; they tried to draw a connection  between the 
V. I. Diddy
Revolutionary Bolshevik leader 
Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov had 
over 160 aliases during his 
life—of which “Lenin” was only 
the last—nearly rivaling the 
pseudonymousness of revolu-
tionary rap mogul Sean P. 
Combs. Combs (a.k.a. “Puff 
Daddy,” “Puffy,” etc.) explained 
a recent switch from “P. Diddy” 
to plain ole “Diddy” by saying 
“I felt the ‘P’ was getting be-
tween me and my fans.”
Losing My Religion
Is it just us, or do celebrities think that Jewish-sounding names 
are simply not hard rocking enough for the limelight? If that’s 
the case, it would explain how mild-mannered schoolteacher 
Chaim Witz became rock group KISS’s frontman and “devil 
horns” gesture inventor Gene Simmons; how Londoner Saul 
Hudson became ax master Slash; and how Ralph Lipschitz, 
Bronx-born son of Jewish immigrants, became the fashion de-
signer of choice for old-money country clubbers: Ralph Lauren. 
As for one Herschel Pinkus Yerucham Krustofski, however, we’ll 
let the philosophers decide how he found his true calling—as 
Krusty the Clown.