Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can\'t Stop Talking pdfdrive com

participate in class, but don’t insist. “Forcing highly apprehensive
young people to perform orally is harmful,” writes McCroskey. “It
will increase apprehension and reduce self-esteem.”
If your school has a selective admissions policy, think twice before
basing your admissions decisions on children’s performance in a
playgroup setting. Many introverted kids clam up in groups of
strangers, and you will not get even a glimpse of what these kids are
like once they’re relaxed and comfortable.
And here are some thoughts for parents. If you’re lucky enough to
have control over where your child goes to school, whether by scouting
out a magnet school, moving to a neighborhood whose public schools
you like, or sending your kids to private or parochial school, you can
look for a school that
prizes independent interests and emphasizes autonomy
conducts group activities in moderation and in small, carefully
managed groups
values kindness, caring, empathy, good citizenship
insists on orderly classrooms and hallways
is organized into small, quiet classes
chooses teachers who seem to understand the
shy/serious/introverted/sensitive temperament
focuses its academic/athletic/extracurricular activities on subjects
that are particularly interesting to your child
strongly enforces an anti-bullying program
emphasizes a tolerant, down-to-earth culture
attracts like-minded peers, for example intellectual kids, or artistic
or athletic ones, depending on your child’s preference
Handpicking a school may be unrealistic for many families. But
whatever the school, there’s much you can do to help your introverted
child thrive. Figure out which subjects energize him most, and let him
run with them, either with outside tutors, or extra programming like
science fairs or creative writing classes. As for group activities, coach

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him to look for comfortable roles within larger groups. One of the
advantages of group work, even for introverts, is that it often offers
many different niches. Urge your child to take the initiative, and claim
for himself the responsibility of note-taker, picture-drawer, or whatever
role interests him most. Participation will feel more comfortable when
he knows what his contribution is supposed to be.
You can also help him practice speaking up. Let him know that it’s OK
to take his time to gather his thoughts before he speaks, even if it seems
as if everyone else is jumping into the fray. At the same time, advise him
that contributing earlier in a discussion is a lot easier than waiting until
everyone else has talked and letting the tension build as he waits to take
his turn. If he’s not sure what to say, or is uncomfortable making
assertions, help him play to his strengths. Does he tend to ask thoughtful
questions? Praise this quality, and teach him that good questions are
often more useful than proposing answers. Does he tend to look at things
from his own unique point of view? Teach him how valuable this is, and
discuss how he might share his outlook with others.
Explore real-life scenarios: for example, Maya’s parents could sit down
with her and figure out how she might have handled the executive-group
exercise differently. Try role-playing, in situations that are as specific as
possible. Maya could rehearse in her own words what it’s like to say “I’ll
be the note-taker!” or “What if we make a rule that anyone who throws
wrappers on the floor has to spend the last ten minutes of lunch picking
up litter?”
The catch is that this depends on getting Maya to open up and tell you
what happened during her school day. Even if they’re generally
forthcoming, many kids won’t share experiences that made them feel
ashamed. The younger your child is, the more likely she is to open up, so
you should start this process as early in her school career as possible.
Ask your child for information in a gentle, nonjudgmental way, with
specific, clear questions. Instead of “How was your day?” try “What did
you do in math class today?” Instead of “Do you like your teacher?” ask
“What do you like about your teacher?” Or “What do you not like so
much?” Let her take her time to answer. Try to avoid asking, in the
overly bright voice of parents everywhere, “Did you have fun in school
today?!” She’ll sense how important it is that the answer be yes.
If she still doesn’t want to talk, wait for her. Sometimes she’ll need to

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decompress for hours before she’s ready. You may find that she’ll open
up only during cozy, relaxed moments, like bathtime or bedtime. If that’s
the case, make sure to build these situations into the day. And if she’ll
talk to others, like a trusted babysitter, aunt, or older sibling, but not to
you, swallow your pride and enlist help.
Finally, try not to worry if all signs suggest that your introverted child
is not the most popular kid at school. It’s critically important for his
emotional and social development that he have one or two solid
friendships, child development experts tell us, but being popular isn’t
necessary. Many introverted kids grow up to have excellent social skills,
although they tend to join groups in their own way—waiting a while
before they plunge in, or participating only for short periods. That’s OK.
Your child needs to acquire social skills and make friends, not turn into
the most gregarious student in school. This doesn’t mean that popularity
isn’t a lot of fun. You’ll probably wish it for him, just as you might wish
that he have good looks, a quick wit, or athletic talent. But make sure
you’re not imposing your own longings, and remember that there are
many paths to a satisfying life.
Many of those paths will be found in passions outside the classroom.
While extroverts are more likely to skate from one hobby or activity to
another, introverts often stick with their enthusiasms. This gives them a
major advantage as they grow, because true self-esteem comes from
competence, not the other way around. Researchers have found that
intense engagement in and commitment to an activity is a proven route
to happiness and well-being. Well-developed talents and interests can be
a great source of confidence for your child, no matter how different he
might feel from his peers.
For example, Maya, the girl who was such a quiet member of the
“executive branch,” loves to go home every day after school and read.
But she also loves softball, with all of its social and performance
pressures. She still recalls the day she made the team after participating
in tryouts. Maya was scared stiff, but she also felt strong—capable of
hitting the ball with a good, powerful whack. “I guess all those drills

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finally paid off,” she reflected later. “I just kept smiling. I was so excited
and proud—and that feeling never went away.”
For parents, however, it’s not always easy to orchestrate situations
where these deep feelings of satisfaction arise. You might feel, for
example, that you should encourage your introverted child to play
whichever sport is the ticket to friendship and esteem in your town. And
that’s fine, if he enjoys that sport and is good at it, as Maya is with
softball. Team sports can be a great boon for anyone, especially for kids
who otherwise feel uncomfortable joining groups. But let your child take
the lead in picking the activities he likes best. He may not like any team
sports, and that’s OK. Help him look for activities where he’ll meet other
kids, but also have plenty of his own space. Cultivate the strengths of his
disposition. If his passions seem too solitary for your taste, remember
that even solo activities like painting, engineering, or creative writing
can lead to communities of fellow enthusiasts.
“I have known children who found others,” says Dr. Miller, “by
sharing important interests: chess, elaborate role-playing games, even
discussing deep interests like math or history.” Rebecca Wallace-Segall,
who teaches creative-writing workshops for kids and teens as director of
Writopia Lab in New York City, says that the students who sign up for
her classes “are often not the kids who are willing to talk for hours about
fashion and celebrity. Those kids are less likely to come, perhaps
because they’re less inclined to analyze and dig deep—that’s not their
comfort zone. The so-called shy kids are often hungry to brainstorm
ideas, deconstruct them, and act on them, and, paradoxically, when
they’re allowed to interact this way, they’re not shy at all. They’re
connecting with each other, but in a deeper zone, in a place that’s
considered boring or tiresome by some of their peers.” And these kids do
“come out” when they’re ready; most of the Writopia kids read their
works at local bookstores, and a staggering number win prestigious
national writing competitions.
If your child is prone to overstimulation, then it’s also a good idea for
her to pick activities like art or long-distance running, that depend less
on performing under pressure. If she’s drawn to activities that require
performance, though, you can help her thrive.
When I was a kid, I loved figure skating. I could spend hours on the
rink, tracing figure eights, spinning happily, or flying through the air.

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But on the day of my competitions, I was a wreck. I hadn’t slept the
night before and would often fall during moves that I had sailed through
in practice. At first I believed what people told me—that I had the jitters,
just like everybody else. But then I saw a TV interview with the Olympic
gold medalist Katarina Witt. She said that pre-competition nerves gave
her the adrenaline she needed to 
win
the gold.
I knew then that Katarina and I were utterly different creatures, but it
took me decades to figure out why. Her nerves were so mild that they
simply energized her, while mine were constricting enough to make me
choke. At the time, my very supportive mother quizzed the other skating
moms about how their own daughters handled pre-competition anxiety,
and came back with insights that she hoped would make me feel better.