Think Again

Music man: Well, no . . . I just think you’re wrong.
Me: It’s not my opinion—it’s the independent finding of two
different social scientists. What evidence would change your
mind?
Music man: I don’t believe you can quantify a musician’s
greatness, but I’d like to see the research.
When I sent him the study, he responded with an apology. I don’t know
if I succeeded in changing his mind, but I had done a better job of opening
it.
When someone becomes hostile, if you respond by viewing the
argument as a war, you can either attack or retreat. If instead you treat it as
a dance, you have another option—you can sidestep. Having a conversation
about the conversation shifts attention away from the substance of the
disagreement and toward the process for having a dialogue. The more anger
and hostility the other person expresses, the more curiosity and interest you
show. When someone is losing control, your tranquility is a sign of strength.
It takes the wind out of their emotional sails. It’s pretty rare for someone to

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respond by screaming “SCREAMING IS MY PREFERRED MODE OF
COMMUNICATION!”
This is a fifth move that expert negotiators made more often than
average negotiators. They were more likely to comment on their feelings
about the process and test their understanding of the other side’s feelings:
I’m disappointed in the way this discussion has unfolded—are you
frustrated with it? I was hoping you’d see this proposal as fair—do I
understand correctly that you don’t see any merit in this approach at all?
Honestly, I’m a little confused by your reaction to my data—if you don’t
value the kind of work I do, why did you hire me?
In a heated argument, you can always stop and ask, “What evidence
would change your mind?” If the answer is “nothing,” then there’s no point
in continuing the debate. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make
it think.