One Small Step Can Change Your Life: The Kaizen Way

“Confront the difficult while it is still easy; accomplish the great task by a series of small acts.”
—Tao Te Ching

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Blind Spot Number One: At the Beginning of Your Path to
Change
Laurel came to me because her marriage was in deep trouble. One of her bitterest complaints was her
husband’s lack of empathy. If a friend called with a problem, he had almost no interest in his or her plight.
He resented the time and energy Laurel gave to her own family. This often led to fierce arguments about
the time she spent either helping people or socializing, activities she considered normal and appropriate.
She’d noticed his lack of empathy when they first started dating, but she had been eager for a committed
relationship and assumed, mistakenly, that this unpleasant trait would improve.
I’m not suggesting that you apply overly rigid standards to potential friends or mates (recall my client
Grace, who refused to date men who couldn’t dance or whose jobs weren’t prestigious enough), but it’s
unwise to turn a blind eye to characteristics you find downright unlikable. More vigilance might have
helped Laurel and her husband negotiate their differences early on, before their marriage cooked itself
into a stew of anger and resentment. For this reason, I’m pleasantly surprised when dating couples come
to me with a small problem in their relationship. Often they apologize for bothering me, but I respond by
saying, “Hey, it’s a 
good
sign that you’re clear-sighted enough to spot the small problems and that you
value your relationship enough to work them out.”
Of course, this is true for nonrelationship issues as well. If you feel pain in your knee while stepping
out for your first fitness walk, do you really want to ignore it? By slowing down your pace or cutting
down on the distance you cover (or seeing a doctor if the pain persists), you may prevent serious injury. If
you want to become an interior decorator but are chronically late for your design classes, shouldn’t you
ask yourself whether you are truly committed to this career?
Laurel’s story has a happy ending. She realized she bore some responsibility for their current problem,
since she’d committed to her husband despite his undesirable trait. This enabled her to approach him with
more kindness, patience, and even curiosity. Her husband found this new frame of mind so inviting that he
was willing to join her in therapy, where the three of us could work on their troubles together.

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