Before I die Jenny Downham

Cheese
, 
butter
, 
beans
, 
bread
. I sit 
on a stool at the kitchen table and I add, 
Butterscotch chocolate
, 
six-pack of 
Creme Eggs
. I especially want the Creme Eggs, because I love having those 
at Easter. It s two hundred and seventeen days until Easter. 
Perhaps I should be a little more realistic. I cross out the Creme Eggs 
and write, 
Chocolate Father Xmas, red and gold foil with a bell round its 
neck
. I might just get that. It s one hundred and thirteen days until 
Christmas. 
I turn the little piece of paper over and write, 
Tessa Scott
. A good 
name of three syllables, my dad always says. If I can fit my name on this 
piece of paper over fifty times, everything will be all right. I write in very 
small letters, like a tooth fairy might write to answer a child s letter. My 
wrist aches. The kettle whistles. The kitchen fills with steam. 

---

29
Five
 
Sometimes on a Sunday Dad drives me and Cal to visit Mum. We get 
the lift up to the eighth floor, and usually there s a moment when she opens 
the door and says, Hey, you! and includes all three of us in her gaze. Dad 
usually loiters for a while on the step and they talk. 
But today when she opens the door, Dad s so desperate to get away 
from me that he s already moving back across the hallway towards the lift. 
Watch her, he says, jabbing a finger in my direction. She s not to be 
trusted.
Mum laughs. Why, what did she do?
Cal can hardly contain his excitement. Dad told her not to go 
clubbing.
Ah, Mum says. That sounds like your father.
But she went anyway. She only got home just now. She was out all 
night.
Mum smiles at me fondly. Did you meet a boy?
No.
I bet you did. What s his name?
I didn t!
Dad looks furious. Typical, he says. Bloody typical. I might ve known 
I wouldn t get any support from you.
Oh, shush, Mum says. It hasn t done her any harm, has it?
Look at her. She s completely exhausted.

---

30
All three of them take a moment to look at me. I hate it. I feel dismal 
and cold and my stomach aches. It s been hurting since having sex with 
Jake. No one told me that would happen. 
ll be back at four, Dad says as he steps into the lift. She s refused to 
have her blood count checked for nearly two weeks, so phone me if 
anything changes. Can you manage that?
Yes, yes, don t worry. She leans over and kisses my forehead. ll 
look after her.
Cal and me sit at the kitchen table, and Mum puts the kettle on, finds 
three cups amongst the dirty ones in the sink and swills them under the 
tap. She reaches into a cupboard for tea bags, gets milk from the fridge and 
sniffs it, scatters biscuits on a plate. 
I put a whole Bourbon in my mouth at once. It tastes delicious. Cheap 
chocolate and the rush of sugar to my brain. 
Did I ever tell you about my first boyfriend? Mum says as she plonks 
the tea on the table. His name was Kevin and he worked in a clock shop. I 
used to love the way he concentrated with that little eye-piece nudged into 
his face.
Cal helps himself to another biscuit. How many boyfriends have you 
actually had, Mum?
She laughs, pushes her long hair back over one shoulder. Is that an 
appropriate question?
Was Dad the best?
Ah, your father! she cries, and clutches her heart melodramatically, 
which makes Cal roar with laughter. 
I once asked Mum what was wrong with Dad. She said, He s the most 
sensible man I ve ever met.

---

31
I was twelve when she left him. She sent postcards for a while from 
places I d never heard of – Skegness, Grimsby, Hull. One of them had a 
picture of a hotel on the front.