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THE LAST WORD
Trying to control our thoughts and feelings has the opposite effect of what most people expect. And
yet rather than catch on to this, most of us respond to our failures with more commitment to this
misguided strategy. We try even harder to push away thoughts and feelings we don’t want to have in a
vain attempt to keep our minds safe from danger. If we truly want peace of mind and better self-
control, we need to accept that it is impossible to control what comes into our mind. All we can do is
choose what we believe and what we act on.
CHAPTER SUMMARY
The Idea
: Trying to suppress thoughts, emotions, and cravings backfires and makes you more
likely to think, feel, or do the thing you most want to avoid.
Under the Microscope
•
Investigate ironic rebound.
Is there something you try to avoid thinking about? Does
suppression work, or does trying to push something out of your mind make it come back
stronger?
•
What’s on your Most-Wanted list?
In your experience, is it true that outlawing something
increases desire for it?
Willpower Experiments
•
Feel what you feel, but don’t believe everything you think.
When an upsetting thought
comes to mind, notice it and how it feels in your body. Then turn your attention to your
breathing, and imagine the thought dissolving or passing by.
•
Accept those cravings—just don’t act on them.
When a craving hits, notice it and don’t
try to immediately distract yourself or argue with it. Remind yourself of the white-bear
rebound effect, and remember your goal to resist.
•
Surf the urge.
When an urge takes hold, stay with the physical sensations and ride them
like a wave, neither pushing them away nor acting on them.
TEN
Final Thoughts
W
e started our journey together in the savannah of the Serengeti, being chased by a saber-toothed
tiger. Now we find ourselves here, on the last few pages, ending our tour. Along the way, we’ve seen
chimps display extraordinary self-control, and quite a few humans lose control. We’ve visited
laboratories where dieters must resist chocolate cake, and anxiety sufferers must face their fears.
We’ve watched as neuroscientists discovered the promise of reward, and neuromarketers discovered
its payoff. We’ve come across interventions that use pride, forgiveness, exercise, meditation, peer
pressure, money, sleep, and even God to motivate people to change their ways. We’ve met
psychologists who shock rats, torture smokers, and tempt four-year-olds with marshmallows—all in
the name of the science of willpower.
I hope this tour has provided more than a voyeur’s glimpse into the fascinating world of research.
Each of these studies teaches us something about ourselves and our own willpower challenges. They
help us recognize our natural capacity for self-control, even if we sometimes struggle to use it. They
help us understand our failures and point at possible solutions. They even tell us something about
what it means to be human. For example, we’ve seen again and again that we are not one self, but
multiple selves. Our human nature includes both the self that wants immediate gratification, and the
self with a higher purpose. We are born to be tempted, and born to resist. It is just as human to feel
stressed, scared, and out of control as it is to find the strength to be calm and in charge of our choices.
Self-control is a matter of understanding these different parts of ourselves, not fundamentally changing
who we are. In the quest for self-control, the usual weapons we wield against ourselves—guilt,
stress, and shame—don’t work. People who have the greatest self-control aren’t waging self-war.
They have learned to accept and integrate these competing selves.
If there
is
a secret for greater self-control, the science points to one thing: the power of paying
attention. It’s training the mind to recognize when you’re making a choice, rather than running on
autopilot. It’s noticing how you give yourself permission to procrastinate, or how you use good
behavior to justify self-indulgence. It’s realizing that the promise of reward doesn’t always deliver,
and that your future self is not a superhero or a stranger. It’s seeing what in your world—from sales
gimmicks to social proof—is shaping your behavior. It’s staying put and sensing a craving when
you’d rather distract yourself or give in. It’s remembering what you really want, and knowing what
really makes you feel better. Self-awareness is the one “self ” you can always count on to help you do
what is difficult, and what matters most. And that is the best definition of willpower I can think of.
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