In memory of Nicole Lewanski

See!

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Sydney
office, about a ten-minute walk,” I said in a rush, watching my mother’s
face transition from its calm, placid state to something that did not bode well for
me. “Lucy says I can move in with her and—”
“No,” Mum said. She put her fork down. “You’re too young to be living out
of home, Audrey.”
“I’m eighteen!” I stood up, my chair loudly scraping the floor. “Most of my
friends are leaving home.”
“And look how it’s turned out for Candela.”
“Don’t bring her into this. I’m not Candela, Mum.”
“How do you think you’ll support yourself? On an internship? How about rent
and bills?”
“Lucy says we don’t have to pay rent. And I can apply for a grant while I’m on
my internship or get a part-time job.”
“Audrey, you can barely take care of yourself. Maybe in a few years.”
“A few years?” I cried, stunned. “Mum, I am not an invalid! Besides, I don’t
even need your permission, anyway.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“Dad?” I looked over at him, my eyes pleading. “It’s only house-sitting; I’m
not going to be there forever.”
He sighed and looked at Mum. “Audrey’s right, Edwina. The girls are just
house-sitting.” I felt a tiny flicker of hope flare up in my chest. “Maybe it might
be good for Audrey to get out there and learn a thing or two about
responsibility.”
She glared at him.
“And it’s not too far away.” He kept his tone light and jovial. “I’m sure she’ll
be back with her laundry every other day.”
My mother looked from my dad to me. Then she stood up abruptly and
pushed her chair back. “You’re too soft on her; you always have been,” she said
to my dad. She picked up her plate—with half her meal still on it—and took it
into the kitchen. I could hear the sharp clatter of the plate hitting the kitchen
sink, then the sound of cupboard doors and drawers opening and slamming shut.
My dad and I exchanged a look.
“No wild parties,” he said, as a huge grin broke across my face. “You’re living
in someone else’s house, so you have to treat it with respect.”
“Dad!” I said, rushing to his side of the table and throwing my arms around his
neck.
“Also,” he continued, “I want you to visit your mother at least once a week—

---

I’m serious, Audrey,” he said when I let out a groan. “And you have to find a
way to support yourself financially. No handouts from us.”
“Okay,” I said happily. I couldn’t wait to call Lucy and tell her the good news.
Mum came out of the kitchen and looked at the two of us crossly. She had a
handful of assorted kitchen utensils in her hands. “I suppose you’ll be needing
these,” she said, laying them out on the table. “I don’t want you girls living off
pizza and burgers.”
I leapt up and threw my arms around her. “Thanks, Mum,” I said, kissing her
on the cheek. My dad smiled at her and shrugged.
“Looks like our little girl is growing up.”

---

Twelve
“I 
NOTICED
YOU
’
RE
not wearing your rubber band today,” said Ida. It had been
almost three months since I last saw her. I had been doing so well lately we were
able to scale back our sessions.
I glanced down at my left wrist. “I must have forgotten it today,” I said with a
shrug. I sat down in the chair and dropped my brown leather satchel by my feet.
It was a gift from my parents when I began my internship at 
See! Sydney.
“That’s a great sign, Audrey.”
“Yeah?”
She nodded and smiled. “How have you been? The last time we spoke, you
had just started an internship at a magazine.”
“I’ve been great,” I said. “I was offered a full-time position last week.” I
reached into my bag, pulled out a business card, and passed it across the table.
“Sam, my editor, got these cards printed up for me.”
“Audrey Field, Journalist,” said Ida with a smile. “Good for you, sweetheart.
What an amazing achievement for someone your age.”
“Thanks. I got lucky.”
“And you’re living out of home now, aren’t you?”
I nodded. “I’m house-sitting with my friend Lucy.”
“How has that been?”
“Wonderful. I don’t have to put up with my mother on a daily basis anymore.”
“How does that make you feel?”
“Like a huge weight has been lifted,” I said, with a happy sigh. “I feel like I
can relax and be myself. The other day I sat in my room and ate a whole pack of
mint cookies just because I could.”
Ida laughed. “Sounds like quite a revelation you had there.”
“One of many.”
“And do you still see your mother?”
“I go home for dinner every Thursday night. I also visit on some weekends.
She’s almost bearable in small doses. I think she’s almost disappointed that I

---

haven’t screwed up yet. She has this irrational fear that I’ll wind up like Candela.”
“Speaking of Candela, have you heard from her?”
My smile waned. I shook my head. “No. Lucy and I called her up on her
birthday, but we haven’t heard from her since. That was months ago. I sent her a
text with our address, but she’s never bothered to show up.”
“How does that make you feel?”
“Sad. I miss her a lot. We’ve been friends as far back as I can remember—we
wouldn’t go a day without talking. I love Lucy to death, but I’ve always had this
special connection with Candela. It’s hard to describe. I feel like I can talk to her
without a filter, that she would never think less of me, no matter what I said. And
she was the only one who understood how I felt about Rad—” I stopped.
“You’re still thinking about Rad?”
“Yeah,” I admitted. I had tried my best to put Rad out of my mind, but it was
easier said than done. I kept thinking about the last time I saw him, at Blues Point
when we had erased one another from our phones on the count of three.
Sometimes, I wish I could go back to that night and stop that from happening. “I
feel bad about it. I mean, Duck literally has no idea that Rad is still on my mind.
We used to fight about it all the time, but it’s almost like he’s forgotten the whole
thing ever happened.” I looked down at my hands. “I wish I could forget.”
“How is Duck doing?”
“Duck’s great. He’s just started his law degree, and he loves it. Since we left
school, his ambitious streak has gone into overdrive.”
“How so?”
“Well, he’s gotten into self-help books in a big way. And there’s always some
business seminar in town that he’s enrolled in.”
“How do you feel about that?”
“Fine, I guess. As long as he is happy. We don’t get to spend as much time
together as we used to, though.”
“Does that bother you?”
I shook my head. “Not really. There’s lots to keep me busy.”
“I’m glad to hear it.” She scribbled something down in her notebook. “I know
I wrote you a note for the doctor, some time ago. Did you ever fill the
prescription?”
“No. After my fight with Candela, I was thinking about how she used to sneak
a pill here and there from her mother’s supply. And I didn’t want to go down
that road. I mean, I was coping okay with the rubber band.”
“Have you had any more panic attacks since I last saw you?”

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I shook my head and smiled. “Not a single one.”

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