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The second a woman works overtime to make
herself fit his criteria, she has lowered the
standard of that relationship.
As long as a woman stays in control of remaining who she is, he
will need her. When a man thinks about a woman who has control
over herself, he automatically thinks about her preferences and
about ways to please her.
Women are much more likely to cancel plans. Men don’t give up
“boys’ night out.” Men don’t give up their work, or their sleep, or
their food. (Most don’t even give up their mothers.) Likewise, they
respect a woman who will hold onto what is important to her.
When was the last time you heard a guy call his barber and say,
“Yeah, Sam . . . I’ll need to cancel my 2:15 haircut. Sally and I
need to spend more time bonding.” It just ain’t happening. It
doesn’t matter if you swung from the chandelier the night before
with show-stopping sex accompanied by screaming that scared off
the alley cats. At 2:15, your man will belong to Sam. Men can shift
gears from romantic to practical—and so can the bitch. She speaks
to him in his own language.
The nice girl, however, is too needy to let go. “But he did all of
the pursuing,” says the nice girl. This may be true, but you have the
power to decide when you show up—and this is how you stay the
boss of you.
Even in a racing event, the car has to pull into the pit to have the
tires changed or it won’t be able to stay on the track, it won’t be
able to control its direction, and it will lose traction. Men don’t
always think long term, so if you let him control the speed, he’s
likely to let the relationship crash at high speed into a wall. As the
adage goes, “The candle that burns twice as bright burns half as
long.” That’s why you absolutely must set the pace and keep your
own rhythm. Otherwise, he’ll have you jumping through hoops.
Again, it doesn’t matter if he wants to see you constantly. Even if
he’s an incredible guy and you feel great temptation,
don’t give
him all of your time.
In the beginning, try to see him two-thirds of the time that he
asks. For the remaining third, you have “something else going on.”
Don’t sit at home twiddling your thumbs waiting for his next call.
Keep in mind that this isn’t about “playing hard to get.”
Keep it
real.
Force yourself to keep the routine you had before you met
him. Once you lose your rhythm, you lose your psychological
equilibrium and you become needy.
My former roommate Gale was always very good at this. She’d
often turn off her ringer and wouldn’t take any calls. In the
afternoon, if she felt tired and wanted to stay home for the evening,
she’d cancel her date. She’d have a glass of wine and chill with a
good book or her favorite TV program. Gale always had a quality
man pursuing her.
Being a bitch isn’t about exuding a certain kind of arrogance.
Contrary to what the media would have us believe, it doesn’t matter
how “hip,” “cool,” or “cocky,” you appear to be. Power is the
control you have over yourself. In fact, when a woman is trying too
hard to be “cocky” she’s usually not moving to her own rhythm
because she’s trying too hard to convince herself that she is stronger
than she really is.
As Gregory Corso said, “Standing on a street corner waiting for
no one is power.” When you don’t wait for anyone, it’s because
you don’t
need
anyone. When you approach men this way, any
man who steps up to the plate will have to meet you at your level.
First, you have to stop needing his approval—only then will your
needs be met.
For example, Lynn had just started dating a plastic surgeon
named Kevin. They had separate residences, and one night she
cooked dinner for him. He called at the last minute to cancel their
preplanned dinner date because he had switched shifts with another
surgeon. Lynn had already cooked an elaborate meal. His call came
only a half-hour before he was supposed to show up. Had he called
her early in the day right after he agreed to switch shifts, she
wouldn’t have labored tirelessly.
Here’s where she made a mistake of jumping through hoops. She
offered to cook the same dinner again the following night.
And
she
agreed to drive to his place to do it. What she should have done is
put “the skids” on the cooking plans altogether. She should have
said,
“Mmm.
It’s really good, Kevin. Too bad you missed out.”
When a man treats a woman with disrespect and she takes it, he
begins to lose respect for her. Predictably, Lynn was at Kevin’s
place the following evening; he wasn’t appreciative, which hurt her
feelings. They stopped dating a short while later.
A bitch prioritizes herself over “melting” into someone else.
Because of this, her no means
no,
and her yes means
yes.
The
objective isn’t to be obnoxious but to have the ability to be clear.
You can be very nice and still be clear. A man will respect a woman
who is clear and direct about what she needs, without waffling or
secondguessing herself If a man is late for a date, for example, the
bitch will become annoyed because she is inconvenienced.
Annoyance is different than becoming emotional. She’ll say
something more along the lines of, “Don’t waste my time. If you are
going to be late, please let me know so I can make other
arrangements. I have better things I can be doing with my time than
waiting around.”
If he chooses not to respect her the next time around, she allows
fifteen or twenty minutes and then leaves without him. Her time and
priorities are important to her. At no time does she give herself up.
When you’re in this type of situation, ask yourself the following
questions: What does this look like from his vantage point? What
message am I sending by my reactions to his behavior?
Your true power, therefore, is marked by:
Realizing what your rhythm is, and moving to it
Knowing who you are, and what you will or will not
accept
Having the ability to make a decision
without
second-
guessing yourself afterward, and without being talked
out of how you feel
Having self-control, because
true
power is the control
you have over
yourself
When you have control of yourself, you don’t need to be
emotional all the time. When you have a sassy “edge,” you stay the
boss . . . of you. Ironically, this is also when you become the boss .
. . of him.
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