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He’ll let a woman who becomes his doormat pay
for dinner on the first couple of dates, but he
wouldn’t
think
of it with his
dreamgirl.
This conversation came up on my radio show. A caller asked if
she should let the man pay, and I said, “In the beginning,
yes.”
Both
my male guest and the male sound engineer jumped in and said,
“But that’s not fair.” Then I got a spelling lesson: “Fair. It’s spelled
f-a-i-r.”
I see their point. But it also isn’t fair that we get sixty cents
on the dollar in the workplace, that we wear painful pushup bras
and high heels, and that we carry the babies and give birth. So let
him be the man.
A gentleman.
The important thing is that when he pays, let him know at the end
of the dinner you
really do appreciate it.
And compliment him on
his taste in food, wine, or the restaurant. If it wasn’t good, don’t
comment.
The dumb fox knows that the less she criticizes, the better.
Which is why she doesn’t nag. Instead, she
maneuvers.
For example, when he leaves his clothes on the floor next to the
bed before he turns in for the night . . . don’t worry about it. He’ll
probably get out of bed in the morning and pick them up. And then
he’ll put them right back on.
About those socks and underwear that are peppered throughout
your home? That was your fault, because you bought a hamper
with
a lid. (Much too complicated.) Get a hamper with no lid and
strategically put it in a corner. Congrats. You’ve erected your very
own basketball hoop. Every time he makes a dunk shot out of his
dirty underwear? Two points.
Do you always change the toilet paper roll? Does he always get a
full roll, while you get the last crummy little square, half of which is
stuck to the cardboard? Nothing a little housebreaking won’t fix.
One Sunday morning, he’ll go in the bathroom and take his seat
with the sports section. He won’t notice the absence of toilet paper
for twenty minutes because he’ll be fixated on the stats from
Saturday’s football game. Then, when he’s finished reading he’ll
call, “Honey? Honey?! Can you hear me?!” (No response.)
This is your cue to take out the kitchen trash. After all, the sun is
shining, the flowers are blooming, and the birds are chirping. (Trivia
question: How long before he realizes there’s more toilet paper
under the sink?)
If he doesn’t help out around the house, the dumb fox doesn’t
complain and say, “You can’t put a price on what I do around the
house.” Instead, she gets an estimate from a maid service. See how
easy? Now not only does she “put a price on it,” she even pays it to
someone
else.
Here’s another example of how a dumb fox might “maneuver.” A
friend named Sharon was running herself ragged trying to clean up
after her kids and her husband. She wanted to have someone come
in to help her once a week. Her husband was very opposed to
paying $50 for a maid every week, even though they could afford it.
He kept insisting on “just once a month.”
Sharon played the dumb fox and agreed to a maid once a month
—sort of. She wrote a check to the maid once a month, and each
of the other three weeks she asked for $50 in cash back when she
wrote a check at the market. Not only did this prevent weekly
arguments, he came home to a beautifully cleaned house every
week.
The Dumb Fox Credo as outlined here, allows for smooth sailing
and no room for conflict:
Agree with everything.
Explain nothing.
Then do what is best for you. It will make life a whole
lot easier.
For example, the dumb fox is smart enough to save herself the
grief by insisting on separate bathrooms. First of all, the concept of
guest towels or decorative towels is foreign to men. To him, a towel
is a towel, which means a bath towel is a beach towel is a carwash
towel is an oil-changing towel. You would think he’d “spare” the
pretty one with the pink bow, but no such luck. And the towels you
use on your face? Say hello to your new floor mop.
Once in a while, you’ll come across a man who is extra clean.
But generally, sharing a bathroom with a man will be sheer misery.
Ten minutes after you’ve cleaned the sink and mirror with streakfree
Windex, he’ll come in there and spray water everywhere. It’s like
sharing a bathroom with your very own, inhouse, adopted walrus.
Scientists have not yet joined with zoologists to do a study on why it
is that men “spray.” So, until they figure it out, insist that you have
your own bathroom.
The dumb fox also cleverly divides up the personal space in the
home with the utmost fairness. She gives him 20 percent of the
closet, but “the whole garage” or basement to himself. He also
controls the lawnmower, the cars, the barbecue, and the tools.
Remember: Men are very territorial, so you’ll also want to designate
the yard as his domain in the “habitat.” It will come in handy when
you’re hogging the bathroom.
In Japan, there is an interesting motto: A smart eagle does not
show her claws. American women perceive Japanese women as
submissive because they bow to men and walk behind them in the
streets. However, Japanese men typically bring their paychecks
home and give them to their wives.
The wife controls the purse
strings in the Japanese home and decides how the money is
spent.
Now we uncover the
real
reason why a Japanese woman may
walk behind her man in the street: It is those deep, heavy pockets
that are slowing her down. The poor thing can hardly keep up.
In addition to having to feel he’s “right,” a man needs to have
things be “his idea.” So, remember, it’s
always
his idea. Even if it
isn’t,
convince him that it is.
When you’re in front of a group of friends and he steps in and
takes credit for something that you thought of, don’t make a fuss
over it. He needs to show that he’s the chief. Don’t correct him or
try to “show him up” in front of your mutual friends because he’ll
feel emasculated. It’s like a mommy scolding her little boy in front of
his friends at school. Publicly, he needs to “save face.”
If it’s absolutely necessary, wait until you are alone with him to
bring up something he did that may have bothered you. Address it
privately,
not in front of people. If it’s unimportant nonsense, let
him take all the credit. Who cares? The dumb fox knows better.
She never starts a fight over something trivial, particularly if she
knows in advance she’ll gain absolutely nothing from winning. The
dumb fox is strong in a demure way. She stands her ground, but
she’s not a ballbuster. She employs the “Science of Compliance.”
She appears to give up power, but gains leverage in the process.
ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #36
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