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What Can Be Done?
Individual children can’t usually stop the bullies, especially when the bullies
attract a group of supporters. But the school can—by changing the school
mindset.
School cultures often promote, or at least accept, the fixed mindset. They
accept that some kids feel superior to others and feel entitled to pick on them.
They also consider some kids to be misfits whom they can do little to help.
But some schools have created a dramatic reduction in bullying by fighting
the atmosphere of judgment and creating one of collaboration and self-
improvement. Stan Davis, a therapist, school counselor, and consultant, has
developed an anti-bullying program that works. Building on the work of Dan
Olweus, a researcher in Norway, Davis’s program helps bullies change, supports
victims, and empowers bystanders to come to a victim’s aid. Within a few years,
physical bullying in his school was down 93 percent and teasing was down 53
percent.
Darla, a third grader, was overweight, awkward, and a “crybaby.” She was
such a prime target that half of the class bullied her, hitting her and calling her
names on a daily basis—and winning one another’s approval for it. Several years
later, because of Davis’s program, the bullying had stopped. Darla had learned
better social skills and even had friends. Then Darla went to middle school and,
after a year, came back to report what had happened. Her classmates from
elementary school had seen her through. They’d helped her make friends and
protected her from her new peers when they wanted to harass her.
Davis also gets the bullies changing. In fact, some of the kids who rushed to
Darla’s support in middle school were the same ones who had bullied her earlier.
What Davis does is this. First, while enforcing consistent discipline, he doesn’t
judge the bully as a person. No criticism is directed at traits. Instead, he makes
them feel liked and welcome at school every day.
Then he praises every step in the right direction. But again, he does not praise
the person; he praises their effort. “ I notice that you have been staying out of
fights. That tells me you are working on getting along with people.” You can see
that Davis is leading students directly to the growth mindset. He is helping them
see their actions as part of an effort to improve. Even if the change was not
intentional on the part of the bullies, they may now try to make it so.
Stan Davis has incorporated our work on praise, criticism, and mindsets into
his program, and it has worked. This is a letter I got from him.
Dear Dr. Dweck:
Your research has radically changed the way I work with
students. I am already seeing positive results from my own different
students. I am already seeing positive results from my own different
use of language to give feedback to young people. Next year our
whole school is embarking on an initiative to build student
motivation based on [growth] feedback.
Yours,
Stan Davis
Haim Ginott, the renowned child psychologist, also shows how teachers can
point bullies away from judgment and toward improvement and compassion.
Here is a letter from a teacher to an eight-year-old bully in her class. Notice that
she doesn’t imply he’s a bad person, and she shows respect by referring to his
leadership, by using big words, and by asking for his advice.
Dear Jay,
Andy’s mother has told me that her son has been made very
unhappy this year. Name-calling and ostracism have left him sad
and lonely. I feel concerned about the situation. Your experience as
a leader in your class makes you a likely person for me to turn to
for advice. I value your ability to sympathize with those who suffer.
Please write me your suggestions about how we can help Andy.
Sincerely,
Your teacher.
In a New York Times article on bullying, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold are
referred to as “two misfit teenagers.” It’s true. They didn’t fit in. But you never
hear the bullies referred to as misfits. Because they weren’t. They fit right in. In
fact, they defined and ruled the school culture.
The notion that some people are entitled to brutalize others is not a healthy
one. Stan Davis points out that as a society, we rejected the idea that people were
entitled to brutalize blacks and harass women. Why do we accept the idea that
people are entitled to brutalize our children?
By doing so, we also insult the bullies. We tell them we don’t think they’re
capable of more, and we miss the chance to help them become more.
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