Mindset : The New Psychology of Success pdfdrive com

THE FLAWS FLY
Brenda and Jack were clients of Daniel Wile, and he tells this tale. Brenda came
home from work and told Jack a long, detailed story with no apparent point. Jack
was bored to tears but tried to hide it to be polite. Brenda, however, could sense
his  true  feelings,  so,  hoping  to  be  more  amusing,  she  launched  into  another
endless story, also about a project at work. Jack was ready to burst. They were
both  mentally  hurling  traits  right  and  left.  According  to  Wile,  they  were  both
thinking: Brenda is boring, Jack is selfish, and our relationship is no good.
In fact, both meant well. Brenda was afraid to say outright that she did some
great work at the office that day. She didn’t want to be boastful. So instead she
talked  about  the  tiny  details  of  her  project.  Jack  didn’t  want  to  be  impolite,  so
instead  of  asking  Brenda  questions  or  expressing  his  puzzlement,  he  steeled
himself and waited for her story to end.
Jack  just  needed  to  say,  “You  know,  honey,  when  you  get  into  so  many
details, I lose your point and get frustrated. Why don’t you tell me why you’re
excited about this project? I’d really love to hear that.”

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It was a problem of communication, not a problem of personality or character.
Yet in the fixed mindset, the blame came fast and furious.
By  the  way,  I  love  these  stories.  When  I  was  a  kid,  Ladies’  Home  Journal
used  to  have  a  feature  in  each  issue  called  “Can  This  Marriage  Be  Saved?”
Usually, the answer was yes. I ate up those stories, fascinated by all the ways a
marriage could go wrong and even more fascinated by how it could be repaired.
The story of Ted and Karen, told by Aaron Beck, is a story of how two people
with the fixed mindset went from all good traits to all bad ones in each other’s
eyes.
When  Ted  and  Karen  met,  they  were  opposites  attracting.  Karen  radiated
spontaneity and lightness. Ted, a serious guy with the weight of the world on his
shoulders,  felt  that  her  carefree  presence  transformed  his  life.  “  Everything  she
says  and  does  is  charming,”  he  effused.  In  turn,  Ted  represented  the  rock-like
“father  figure”  she  had  never  had.  He  was  just  the  kind  of  stable,  reliable  guy
who could give her a sense of security.
But a few short years later, Ted saw Karen as an irresponsible airhead. “ She
never takes anything seriously…I can’t depend on her.” And Karen saw Ted as a
judgmental tyrant, dissecting her every move.
In  the  end,  this  marriage  was  saved—only  because  the  couple  learned  to
respond to  each other  not  with angry  labels, but  with  helpful actions.  One  day,
when Karen was swamped with work, Ted came home to a messy house. He was
angry and wanted to scold her, but, drawing on what he’d learned from Beck, he
instead said to himself, “ What is the mature thing to do?” He answered his own
question  by  starting  to  clean  things  up.  He  was  offering  Karen  support  rather
than judgment.