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Not a Word Need Be Spoken
The Hello Old Friend technique even supersedes language. When-
ever you’re traveling in countries where you don’t speak the native
tongue, be sure to use it. If you find yourself with a group of peo-
ple who are all speaking a language unknown to you, just imag-
ine them to be a group of your old friends. Everything is fine
except they momentarily forgot how to speak English. In spite of
the fact you won’t understand a word, your whole body still
responds with congeniality and acceptance.
I’ve used the Hello Old Friend technique while traveling in
Europe. Sometimes my English-speaking friends who live there
tell me their European colleagues say I am the friendliest Ameri-
can they’ve ever met. Yet, we’d never spoken a word between us!
A Self-Fulfilling Prophecy
An added benefit to the Hello Old Friend technique is it becomes a
self-fulfilling prophecy. When you act as though you like someone,
you start to really like them. An Adelphi University study called,
appropriately, “Believing Another Likes or Dislikes You: Behaviors
Making the Beliefs Come True” proved it.
10
Researchers told vol-
unteers to treat unsuspecting subjects as though they liked them.
When surveyed later, the results showed the volunteers wound up
genuinely liking the subjects. The unsuspecting subjects were also
surveyed. These respondents expressed much higher respect and
affection for the volunteers who pretended they liked them. What
it boils down to is love begets love, like begets like, respect begets
respect. Use the Hello Old Friend technique and you will soon have
many new “old friends” who wind up genuinely liking you.
You now have all the basics to come across to everyone you
meet as a Somebody, a friendly Somebody. But your job isn’t over
yet. In addition to being liked, you want to appear credible, intel-
ligent, and sure of yourself. Each of the next three techniques
accomplishes one of those goals.
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How to Talk to Anyone
01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 30
My friend Helen is a highly respected headhunter. She makes ter-
rific hires for her clients and I once asked her the secret of her suc-
cess. Helen replied, “Probably because I can almost always tell
when an applicant is lying.”
“How can you tell?”
She said, “Well, just last week, I was interviewing a young
woman for a position as marketing director for a small firm.
Throughout the interview, the applicant had been sitting with her
left leg crossed over her right. Her hands were comfortably rest-
ing in her lap and she was looking directly at me.
“I asked her salary. Without swerving her eyes from mine, she
told me. I asked if she enjoyed her work. Still looking directly at
me, she said, ‘yes.’ Then I asked her why she left her previous job.
“At that point, her eyes fleetingly darted away before regain-
ing eye contact with me.” Helen continued. “Then, while answer-
ing my question, she shifted in her seat and crossed her right leg
over her left. At one point, she put her hands up to her mouth.”
Helen said, “That’s all I needed. With her words she was
telling me she felt her ‘growth opportunities were limited at her
previous firm.’ But her body told me she was not being entirely
forthright.”
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How to Come Across
as 100 Percent Credible
to Everyone
✰
7
01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 31
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.
32
How to Talk to Anyone
Helen went on to explain the young woman’s fidgeting alone
wouldn’t prove she was lying. Nevertheless, it was enough, she said,
that she wanted to pursue the subject further.
“So I tested it.” Helen explained. “I changed the subject and
went back to more neutral territory. I asked her about her goals
for the future. Again, the girl stopped fidgeting. She folded her
hands in her lap as she told me how she’d always wanted to work
in a small company in order to have hands-on experience with
more than one project.
“Then I repeated my earlier question. I asked again if it was
only the lack of growth opportunity that made her leave her pre-
vious position. Sure enough, once again, the woman shifted in her
seat and momentarily broke eye contact. As she continued talking
about her last job, she started rubbing her forearm.”
Helen continued to probe until she finally uncovered the
truth. The applicant had been fired because of a nasty disagree-
ment with the marketing director for whom she worked.
Human resources professionals who interview applicants and
police officers who interrogate suspected criminals are trained to
detect lies. They know specifically what signals to look for. The
rest of us, although not knowledgeable about specific clues to
deceit, have a sixth sense when someone is not telling us the truth.
Just recently a colleague of mine was considering hiring an in-
house booking agent. After interviewing one fellow she said to me,
“I don’t know. I don’t really think he has the success he claims.”
“You think he’s lying to you?” I asked.
“Absolutely. And the funny thing is I can’t tell why. He looked
right at me. He answered all my questions directly. There was just
something that didn’t seem right.”
Employers often feel this way. They have a gut feeling about
someone but they can’t put their finger on it. Because of that,
many large companies turn to the polygraph, or lie detector, a
mechanical apparatus designed to detect if someone is lying.
01 (001-042B) part one 8/14/03 9:16 AM Page 32
Banks, drugstores, and grocery stores rely heavily on it for pre-
employment screening. The FBI, Justice Department, and most
police departments have used the polygraph on suspects. Interest-
ingly, the polygraph is not a lie detector at all! All the machine can
do is detect fluctuations in our autonomic nervous system—
changes in breathing patterns, sweating, flushing, heart rate, blood
pressure, and other signs of emotional arousal.
So is it accurate? Well, yes, often it is. Why? Because when
the average person tells a lie, he or she is emotionally aroused and
bodily changes do take place. When that happens, the individual
might fidget. Experienced or trained liars, however, can fool the
polygraph.
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