hOW TO SaY “nO”
All this figuring and calculating and deciding won’t do you a bit of
good if you aren’t able to act on your decisions.
The moment is at hand. The out-going chair (desperate to find
a replacement) has asked you to shoulder the burden. What do
you say?
1. Beware the automatic “yes.” You may have gotten into your
time-crunch because you have a very hard time saying
“no.” But you’ve learned by bitter experience that it’s much
harder to get out of something later than to turn it down
now. And, you’re trying to face up to your inner demons.
2. Buy time. Unless you’re already certain of your response
one way or the other, ask for time to think about it. This
is both a reasonable and a truthful response. You really
do want and need time to think about it (if not to pull
out various lists and rating scales). Realize, however, that
you will have to respond eventually, and by delaying your
response, you may have created a situation in which oth-
ers believe that you have tacitly agreed. Your delay also
may make it very difficult ultimately to decline because
no time is left to recruit a replacement.
3. If the answer is “no,” say “no.” Say it gracefully, but say it.
“I’m really flattered that you’d think of me. Thank you so much.
But I’m going to have to turn the opportunity down.”
And then shut up!
4. Deflect the conversation. Decline the offer and suggest
an alternative.
“Thank you for thinking of me, but I’m going to have to decline.
I bet Bill would be perfect for the job, don’t you?”
L E A R N I N G T O S AY “ N O ”
T I M E M A N AG E M E N T
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This technique works best, obviously, if Bill is not part of the
conversation and cannot object. It immediately turns the attention
from you to another victim. Even if poor Bill is elsewhere at the
moment, however, he will undoubtedly learn and may even resent
you for so graciously volunteering his services. So, this may save
you time but cost you an ally in the long run.
5. You don’t have to give a reason. This may come as a shock.
We’re reasonable people. We like to think we’re motivated
by reason, and we want others to understand and agree with
our rationale for our decisions. We want people to continue
to think well of us. So we share our reasons. And when we
do, we invite others to participate in a discussion.
“I’m just too busy right now.”
“I know how busy you are. But actually this doesn’t take
very much time at all. And besides, you’re so efficient and well-
organized. . . .”
“I really don’t think I’m the best choice for the job.”
“You’re just being modest. You’re perfect for the job. Why, with
your way with people and your ability to handle a meeting. . . .”
You’ll lose this debate. You’re arguing the negative position,
often a much harder stance to support logically. You can be ratio-
nally talked out of something you feel strongly to be right and talked
into something you know instinctively to be wrong for you.
If you “lose” (meaning you fail to get them to say, “You’re right.
Sorry I asked”), you’ve got two alternatives, neither of them good.
You can acquiesce and agree to take on the task. Or you can stick
to your guns and continue to say “No,” leaving both of you much
more upset than necessary.
Decide, based on your informed understanding of your motives
and the true costs and benefits of the activity. Then stick to your
decision! You’ll find yourself with a great deal more conscious
control of your life.
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