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Hansel and Gretel
?”
I nodded. “Are you a fan of
Doctor Who
?”
“I wouldn’t say a fan exactly . . .”
“Do you know the general gist of it?”
“Yes, he’s a time lord who pilots a ship called the TARDIS. Usually, an
earthling joins him on his adventures.”
“Pretty much. There was an episode titled ‘Bad Wolf’ where Dr. Who’s
companion, Rose, hooks into the heart of the TARDIS and becomes this entity
with the power to influence time and space. Armed with this power, she scatters
the words ‘bad wolf’
throughout oceans of time and in several different worlds.
The words were like a code that the past versions of herself could recognize and
follow in order to save the world—well, the universe. I suppose that every time
she saw the words ‘bad wolf,’ whether it was a piece of graffiti or the name of an
evil corporation, it was like a bread crumb leading her to a predetermined
conclusion. That’s what it feels like for me. Like I’m being guided somewhere,
and there’s a reason for it, only I won’t know what it is until I get there.”
“So that’s what you mean about following bread crumbs.” She sparked up
another cigarette. “Sounds very insightful.”
“It’s just a thought,” I said with a shrug.
She was quiet as she seemed to be thinking something over.
“I know it seems like you’re in this infinite loop: one step forward, two steps
back. But I do think you’re making strides, even if you’re not aware of it
yourself. That’s very important for you to know—you have come a long way.”
“Really?”
She took another drag. “Yes. The fact that you’re going on this trip is quite a
remarkable progression.”
“I still find it daunting.” My hand traced the line of my rubber band. “I’m
putting on a brave face, but I
am
terrified. At the moment it doesn’t feel real. But
there are times when it sinks in that I am going, that I am really doing this and . .
.” I gave her a wry smile. “Well, you know.”
“It’s absolutely normal to feel that way, Audrey. I do believe this will be good
for you, and if you ever need me, you can find me on Skype. But I kind of have
a feeling I won’t be hearing from you again.”
I took a deep breath. “It’s kind of crazy, isn’t it?”
“We all need to follow our intuition, even if it takes us down the wrong path.
Otherwise, you’ll always be second-guessing yourself.”
“I know. This was always my dream—to live in a quiet mountain town and
write a book. It’s been my dream for as long as I can remember.”
“Then how lucky you are that circumstances have allowed you to follow it.”
“Yeah, I just wish—” I shook my head. “No, forget it.”
“That Rad could go with you?”
I nodded, tears once again welling up in my eyes. “I can’t believe how hard it
is. The pain is
indescribable.
It’s like I’ve been turned into sandstone and my insides
are being slowly hollowed out by a chisel and mallet.”
“First love,” said Ida with a sigh. “That’s the one that kills you.”
“But Rad wasn’t my first love—Duck was.”
“Well, that’s the thing,” she said. “Your first love isn’t the first person you give
your heart to—it’s the first one who breaks it.”
O
N
THE
DAY
before my flight, there was a knock at the door. Lucy was out, so I
went to the front window to see who it was. My heart pounded wildly when I
saw it was Rad. “Hey,” he said when I opened the door. “Can I come in?”
“Sure.” The last few days had been good for me. I felt in control again, like I
was making progress. But now, seeing his face, being close to him—I was ready
to fall to pieces. “Want a coffee?” I asked as he followed me inside and down the
hall. I willed my voice not to betray me.
“Are you going somewhere?” said Rad, spotting the suitcase, next to the door.
I turned around to face him. “What are you doing here, Rad?”
He sighed. “Can we sit?”
“Okay.”
We sat on the blue couch facing each other. “It’s been a shitty few weeks,” he
said. “I’m sure for you as well.”
I nodded, swallowing hard.
“I’m sorry I lost it that night; it’s just a really hard thing to get your head
around, you know?”
“Yeah,” I said quietly.
“But I’m glad you told me. I mean, I always felt there was something you were
holding back.” He raked his fingers through his hair and looked around the room
as if he was trying to search for the words he wanted to say next. Then he turned
back to face me. “The thing is, I know you’re not a bad person, Audrey. You
just did a stupid thing, and I know you’d take it back if you could. I know how
sorry you are—it all makes sense to me now. I was angry when you told me, and
I have tried to hold on to that anger because it seemed like the right thing to do
for Ana. But I couldn’t stay mad at you, even though I wanted to.” He reached
over, taking my hand in his. “Then I found myself just thinking about you and
not about what you said that night. Just you. And I couldn’t bear the thought of
never seeing you again.”
Tears flooded my eyes and ran in watery streaks down my face. Rad reached
up, gently wiping at them with his thumb. I looked away, trying to steady myself.
“I’m in love with you, Audrey. I love you so much that I can’t see straight, and
the truth is, I don’t even want to.”
“Rad,” I said, my voice all choked up. “No, we can’t do this.”
“Yes, we can. We can start all over again from the beginning. Clean slate.” He
peered at me hopefully. “Please?”
I shook my head, pulling my hand away from his. “No, it doesn’t feel like a
clean slate, not to me. Not yet.”
“Audrey, you can’t be serious.” His face fell.
“I’m just trying to be realistic,” I said, looking down at my hands.
“Fuck being realistic. Too many great things in this world get lost to reason.”
I bit my lip and shook my head, trying to gather as much resolve as I could
muster. I thought of what Mum had said the day she showed me that old picture
of my father.
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