In memory of Nicole Lewanski

your friend
—is barely cold in her grave, and you’re trying to get your hands
down her boyfriend’s pants.”
I looked up at her, furious. “How dare you!” I screamed. “You don’t know
what you’re talking about!”
“Yes, I do,” she said coldly. “I saw the way you were looking at him. How do
you think Duck would feel about that?”
“Duck wouldn’t care, Mum.” The words didn’t come out as confidently as I
had intended. Until now, I hadn’t even thought about Duck.
“He wouldn’t?” she said. “Are you out of your mind, Audrey? I hope you
haven’t forgotten that if it wasn’t for Duck, you wouldn’t even be here right
now.”
Tears sprang to my eyes, but I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction of seeing
me cry. I pushed past her roughly and was halfway up the stairs when I heard her
call after me. “I don’t want you seeing him again. Do you hear me, Audrey? It’s
finished.”
“Shut up!” I screamed. “You can’t tell me what to do!”
I slammed the door shut, anger rising inside me. I took a few deep breaths,
willing myself not to cry. It had been such a strange night, and I wanted to collect
myself and make sense of what I was feeling. Deep down I knew my mother was
right, and I felt a bubble of self-hatred rise to the surface. It was clear to me now
that I shouldn’t have left Ana’s house with Rad. But it happened so quickly that
neither of us had time to think about the consequences. And now it was too late
to turn back.

---

Three
C
ANDELA
CAUGHT
UP
with me just as I was walking through the school gate.
“Hey, Audrey,” she said, a little out of breath. “What happened last night?”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Well, you left Ana’s house with Rad. Everyone was talking about it.”
“How crass.”
“People can be assholes,” she agreed. “So, what happened, anyway? You didn’t
answer any of my texts last night.”
“Sorry,” I said, “I got home really late.”
“Really?” She raised an eyebrow.
The school bell sounded.
“Hey, let’s skip class today,” said Candela.
“I can’t. I’ve been falling behind.”
“Audrey.” She grabbed my arm. “You look like you need a break. And
besides, one day won’t kill you—will it?”
A 
FEW
HOURS
later, we were sitting on the sandy shore of our favorite beach,
watching the surfers glide across the waves. It was unusually warm for August,
and we were enjoying the rare bits of sunshine that broke intermittently through
the gray clouds. Candela passed me a joint, and I took it from her gratefully.
“Thanks,” I said. “I really needed this.”
“Me too,” she said. “What a god-awful week it’s been.”
I held the end of the joint to my lips, drawing the smoke into my lungs.
“Go easy, Audrey. You know that stuff can make you weird.” I nodded,
handing it back to her. She took a couple of quick puffs and then stubbed the
joint out on the sand. I watched as she placed the rest of it carefully into a
pillbox.
“I know I shouldn’t have left with Rad last night.”
“I thought you didn’t know each other. I mean, one minute you were asking

---

who he was, and then the next thing we knew, Lucy said the two of you left
together. So what happened?”
“Well, I was feeling anxious,” I looked at her. “You know . . .”
Candela nodded. Her mother suffered from panic attacks, and she knew I had
started having them.
I took a deep breath. “So I went outside for some air, and Rad was there, on
the back porch. We talked for a little bit, and then the fight broke out and we
left.”
“God, the fight,” Candela’s face was suddenly animated. “Did you see what
happened?”
“I missed most of it.”
“It was nasty. Ana’s uncle turned up a bit drunk. He walked right up to Ana’s
dad and hit him. Really hard too!”
“Yeah,” I said softly.
“Not that the bastard didn’t deserve it,” she added.
I remained quiet.
“You know, I can’t believe the police haven’t arrested him yet. I mean, you’re
the one who saw them through the window with their clothes off and going at it,
so maybe you should speak to the cops.”
My heart leapt to my throat, and it was on the tip of my tongue to tell Candela
the truth—that I had made it all up and Ana’s dad was innocent. I opened my
mouth, but the words wouldn’t form. I felt panic grip me like a vice.
“Audrey, are you okay? Oh shit, I shouldn’t have said anything.” Candela put
her arm around me, stroking my back as I struggled to get my breathing under
control. “God, I’m such an idiot,” she said, shaking her head. “I’m so sorry,
babe.”
“It’s okay,” I said, between quick, ragged breaths.
She kept her hand on my back, rubbing in a slow circular motion. It took
awhile before I began to feel okay again.
“I saw Ana the day before it happened, you know,” Candela said. “Just when
the rumor was turning into a shit storm. I know I promised you I wouldn’t say
anything to her, but I had this really strong feeling that I should. Now I wish I
had.” She bit her lip and began drawing arbitrary shapes in the sand with her
fingertips. “I mean, she was my friend, and I let her down. I don’t know if I can
ever get past that, you know?”
“I’m so sorry, Candela.” I could feel my throat tightening up again. “This is all
my fault.”

---

“No, it’s not. Don’t ever say that. You had no idea that Eve was listening at
the door.”
“I should never have said anything,” I said, my voice dropping to a whisper.
“Hey.” She let out a sigh. “Come on . . . let’s just—fuck it. Let’s not talk
about Ana anymore. Okay? Tell me about Rad. How was he last night?”
“He was okay,” I said. “I think he just needed someone to talk to. Maybe
someone who didn’t know Ana.”
“I get that. Really I do. Did he say anything about Ana?”
“No,” I said, with a shake of my head. “He didn’t want to talk about her.”
Candela nodded. “To be honest, I don’t blame him. It messes me up, thinking
about it. I’d rather think about anything else.”
“Same. But I know it must be a million times worse for you, because you were
always close to her.”
“Yeah,” said Candela. A shadow seemed to pass over her face. “We had some
great times.”
We were quiet, lost in our own thoughts.
“Are you going to see Rad again?”
“I don’t know. Mum went completely feral when I got home last night.”
“You should have seen her at the reception when Lucy told her you left with
Rad.” A tiny laugh escaped from her lips. “She was livid.” Candela and my
mother were mortal enemies.
I smirked. “Anyway, she has forbidden me from seeing him.”
“She forbids you from seeing me,” Candela pointed out. “Yet here we are.”
“It’s kind of messy. I mean, I’m not sure Duck would be keen on the idea.”
Candela rolled her eyes. “Duck is way too possessive. You know I adore him,
but the guy needs to lighten up.”
“He can be a little moody sometimes, but he’s a really good guy. Besides, I’m
probably the last thing Rad needs right now.”
“Or,” said Candela, giving me a long, meaningful look, “you could be exactly
what he needs.”
I 
ARRIVED
HOME
late that afternoon to the smell of chicken soup wafting through
the house. My mother came out of the kitchen, undoing her apron and sliding it
over her head.
“Oh good, you’re home. I was going to take some chicken soup over to Duck,
but you can if you want to.”

---

“Okay,” I said.
I followed her into the kitchen, putting my school bag down on a chair. She
ruffled through the cupboards and found an old thermos. After rinsing it in the
sink, she carefully spooned in the soup with a ladle and screwed it shut tight. She
wiped at the sides with a cloth and then handed it to me. “Here,” she said. I
tucked the thermos under my arm and set out on the short walk to Duck’s house.
D
UCK
’
S
MOTHER
, Z
OE
, answered the door on the third knock. “Audrey!” she said,
smiling brightly. “Come in.” She opened the door wider and I followed her
inside.
Each time I walked through Duck’s front door, I was greeted with a picture of
the two of us that Zoe had hung in the entrance of the hallway. We were
thirteen, and our mothers had entered us into a local ballroom dancing
competition. In the photo, Duck was in a hideous powder-blue suit, and I was
wearing a strange sequined dress my mother had sewn for me. It always made me
cringe.
“How is Duck feeling?” I asked.
Zoe rolled her eyes. “You know what he’s like.”
“Man flu?” It was a private joke between us.
“Exactly,” she laughed. “He’s a bit grumpy, but maybe you can cheer him
up.”
“I’ll try,” I said, with a weak smile.
D
UCK
WAS
SITTING
up in his bed playing Grand Theft Auto.
“Hey,” he said, eyes glued to the screen.
“Hi.” I sat down on the edge of his bed and put the thermos on the ground. “I
brought Mum’s chicken soup.”
“Oh great,” he said, his tone sarcastic. “I’ve been craving chicken-flavored
water all day.”
“You get so grouchy when you’re sick,” I said, ruffling his hair.
“So what’s the story about you leaving with Ana’s boyfriend after the
reception?”
“God, word travels fast around here,” I mumbled, looking away.
He paused his game and put down his controller.
“So what’s the story?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. We were just talking. No big deal.”

---

“No big deal? You took off with some guy you’d never even met before, and
it’s no big deal?”
“His girlfriend just died; I think he just wanted someone to talk to, okay?” I
could feel Duck’s eyes boring into me, and I turned to meet his gaze. I could tell
by his expression he had been brooding about it all day. He looked a little off-
color, and there was a patch of rough stubble on his chin. Despite that, he was
still as handsome as ever. His hair was dark brown and scruffy, and his eyes were a
dreamy blue.
“What did you talk about?” Duck asked. He had always been jealous of me
around other boys.
“Stuff, I guess. I don’t know. Things that friends usually talk about.”
“So you’re 
friends
now?” he said, his tone irate.
I glared at him. “I’m allowed to have friends, Duck.”
“Sure, next time I’m at a party, I’ll just leave with some random girl and make