Facilitation Guide for Effective Conflict

HOW CONFLICTS COME ABOUT
In order to start exploring the issue of conflict, let’s start look-
ing at why conflicts appear.
Imagine you wanted to arrive at a specific location in 
London. A street map of the city would be a great help to you 
in reaching your destination. But imagine you were given the 
wrong map. Through a printing error, the map labeled “Lon-
don” was actually a map of Paris. Can you imagine the frustra-
tion, the ineffectiveness of trying to reach your destination?
You might work on your behavior—you could try harder, being more diligent, doubling your 
speed. But your efforts would only succeed in getting you to the wrong place faster.

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You might work on your attitude—you could think more positively. You still wouldn’t get to 
the right place, but perhaps you wouldn’t care. Your attitude would be so positive, you’d be 
happy wherever you were.
The point is, you would still be lost. The fundamental problem has nothing to do with your 
behavior or your attitude. It has everything to do with the wrong map.
We all have many, many maps in our head, which can be divided into two main categories: 

maps of the way things are, or realities

maps of the way things should be, or values
We interpret everything we experience through these mental maps. We seldom question 
their accuracy; we are usually even unaware that we have them. We simply assume that the 
way we see things is the way they really are or the way they should be.
ASSUMPTIONS
Assumptions are our interpretations of what we hear or read. They are 
based on our own personal attitudes and beliefs. Identifying and check-
ing out our assumptions and giving the other person an opportunity to 
identify and check out their own assumptions is crucial to developing a 
common understanding of the problem.
Many of our values, assumptions, communication patterns, and ideas 
about conflict were shaped by the culture in which we were raised. These 
basic foundations of our personality are often so ingrained that it is diffi-
cult to be aware of them, let alone analyze them in a rational way.
How do we check out an assumption? We ask questions! This is where 
we go back to the Socratic Method of questioning in order to clarify what 
somebody meant or to help them and ourselves better understand what it is they are saying.
Assumptions are often wrong and they often build into stereotypes.