Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance

Part III
GROWING GRIT FROM THE OUTSIDE IN

---

Chapter 10
PARENTING FOR GRIT
What can I do to encourage grit in the people I care for?
I’m asked this question at least once a day.
Sometimes it’s a coach who asks; sometimes it’s an entrepreneur or a CEO. Last week, it was a
fourth-grade teacher, and the week before, a math professor at a community college. I’ve had army
generals and navy admirals toss me this question, too, but most often it’s a mother or father who
worries that their child isn’t close to realizing their potential.
All the people quizzing me are thinking as parents would, of course—even if they’re 
not
parents.
The word 
parenting
derives from Latin and means “to bring forth.” You’re acting in a parentlike way
if you’re asking for guidance on how to best bring forth interest, practice, purpose, and hope in the
people you care for.
When I turn the tables and ask people for their own intuitions on how to “parent for grit,” I get
different answers.
Some believe grit is forged in the crucible of adversity. Others are quick to paraphrase Nietzsche:
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”
I
 Such invocations conjure an image of scowling mothers
and fathers dispensing endless criticism on the sidelines of games that had better be victories, or
chaining their children to the piano bench or violin stand, or grounding them for the sin of an A–.
This perspective assumes that offering loving support and demanding high standards are two ends
of a continuum, with the authoritarian parents of the gritty far to the right of center.
Had I been around to seek opinions a century ago, such would have been the perspective of John
Watson, then chair of psychology at Johns Hopkins University.
In his best-selling 1928 parenting guide, 
Psychological Care of Infant and Child
, Watson holds
forth on how to raise a child “who loses himself in work and play, who quickly learns to overcome
the small difficulties in his environment . . . and who finally enters manhood so bulwarked with stable
work and emotional habits that no adversity can quite overwhelm him.”
Here’s Watson’s advice: “Never hug and kiss them. Never let them sit in your lap. If you must, kiss
them once on the forehead when they say good night. Shake hands with them in the morning. Give
them a pat on the head if they have made an extraordinarily good job of a difficult task.” Watson
further recommends letting children cope with problems on their own “almost from the moment of
birth,” rotating different caregivers to prevent unhealthy attachment to any one adult, and otherwise
avoiding the coddling affection that prevents a child from “conquering the world.”
Occasionally, of course, people take the opposite stance.
They’re convinced that perseverance and especially passion bloom when children are lavished
with unconditional affection and support. These champions of kinder and gentler parenting advocate
big hugs and long leashes and point out that children are by their nature challenge-seeking creatures

---

whose innate desire for competence needs only our unconditional love and affection to reveal itself.
Once unfettered by the demands of imperious parents, children will follow their own intrinsic
interests, and disciplined practice and resilience in the face of setbacks will follow.
On the continuum between supportive and demanding parenting, proponents of this permissive
“child-centered” approach fall to the left of center.
So which is it? Is grit forged in the crucible of unrelentingly high standards or is it nurtured in the
warm embrace of loving support?
As a scientist, I’m tempted to answer that we need more research on the topic. There’s a lot of
research on parenting, and some research on grit, but no research yet on parenting