Gifts of Imperfection

Connection
I define 
connection 
as
the energy that exists between people when they
feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without
judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the rela-
tionship. 
Ashley and I felt deeply connected after our experience. I know I
was seen, heard, and valued. Even though it was scary, I was able to
reach out for support and help. And we both felt strengthened and ful-
filled. In fact, a couple of weeks later, Ashley said, “I can’t tell you how
glad I am that you called me that day. It helped me so much to know that
I’m not the only one who does stuff like that. I also love knowing that 
I can help you and that you trust me.” Connection begets connection. 
As a matter of fact, we are wired for connection. It’s in our biology.
From the time we are born, we need connection to thrive emotionally,
physically, spiritually, and intellectually. A decade ago, the idea that
we’re “wired for connection” might have been perceived as touchy-feely
or New Age. Today, we know that the need for connection is more than
a feeling or a hunch. It’s hard science. Neuroscience, to be exact.
In his book 
Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relation-
ships, 
Daniel Goleman explores how the latest findings in biology and 
neuroscience confirm that we are hardwired for connection and that our
relationships shape our biology as well as our experiences. Goleman
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writes, “Even our most routine encounters act as regulators in the brain,
priming our emotions, some desirable, others not. The more strongly
connected we are with someone emotionally, the greater the mutual
force.”
4
It’s amazing—yet perhaps not surprising—that the connected-
ness we experience in our relationships impacts the way our brain
develops and performs.
Our innate need for connection makes the consequences of discon-
nection that much more real and dangerous. Sometimes we only 
think
we’re connected. Technology, for instance, has become a kind of
imposter for connection, making us believe we’re connected when we’re
really not—at least not in the ways we need to be. In our technology-
crazed world, we’ve confused being communicative with feeling con-
nected. Just because we’re plugged in, doesn’t mean we feel seen and
heard. In fact, hyper-communication can mean we spend more time on
Facebook than we do face-to-face with the people we care about. I can’t
tell you how many times I’ve walked into a restaurant and seen two par-
ents on their cell phones while their kids are busy texting or playing
video games. What’s the point of even sitting together? 
As we think about the definition of connection and how easy it is to
mistake technology for connecting, we also need to consider letting go
of the myth of self-sufficiency. One of the greatest barriers to connection
is the cultural importance we place on “going it alone.” Somehow we’ve
come to equate success with not needing anyone. Many of us are will-
ing to extend a helping hand, but we’re very reluctant to reach out for
help when we need it ourselves. It’s as if we’ve divided the world into
“those who offer help” and “those who need help.” The truth is that we
are both.
I’ve learned so much about giving and receiving from the men and
women who are engaged in Wholehearted living but nothing more impor-
tant than this: 
Until we can receive with an open heart, we are never really 
giving with an open heart. When we attach judgment to receiving
help, we knowingly or unknowingly attach judgment to giving help.
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THE GIFTS OF IMPERFECTION

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For years, I placed value on being the helper in my family. I could
help with a crisis or lend money or dispense advice. I was always happy
to help others, but I would have never called my siblings to ask them for
help, especially for support during a shame storm. At the time, I would
have vehemently denied attaching judgment to my generous giving. But
now, I understand how I derived self-worth from never needing help and
always offering it. 
During the breakdown, I needed help. I needed support and hand-
holding and advice. Thank God! Turning to my younger brother and sis-
ters completely shifted our family dynamics. I gained permission to fall
apart and be imperfect, and they could share their strength and incredi-
ble wisdom with me. If connection is the energy that surges between
people, we have to remember that those surges must travel in both direc-
tions.
The Wholehearted journey is not the path of least resistance. It’s a
path of consciousness and choice. And, to be honest, it’s a little counter-
culture. The willingness to tell our stories, feel the pain of others, and
stay genuinely connected in this disconnected world is not something 
we can do halfheartedly. 
To practice courage, compassion, and connection is to look at life
and the people around us, and say, “I’m all in.” 
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Dr. Brené Brown is a researcher, writer, and professor. She is a member of
the research faculty at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social
Work, where she has spent the past ten years studying a concept that she calls
Wholeheartedness, posing the questions: 
How do we engage in our lives
from a place of authenticity and worthiness? How do we cultivate the
courage, compassion, and connection that we need to embrace our imper-
fections and to recognize that we are enough—that we are worthy of love,
belonging, and joy?
Brené spent the first seven years of her decade-long research journey
studying how the universal experiences of shame and fear affect us and how
practicing resilience in our everyday lives can change the way we live, love,
parent, and work.
In 2008, she was named Behavioral Health Scholar-in-Residence at 
the Council on Alcohol and Drugs in Houston. Brené’s work has been 
featured on PBS and the Oprah and Friends Radio Network, and her articles
have appeared in 
Self
magazine, 
Elle
magazine, and many national news-
papers. She is also a frequent guest on radio shows across the United States.
Most recently, 
Houston Women Magazine
named her one of “The 50 Most
Influential Women of 2009.”
In addition to this book, Brené is the author of 
I Thought It Was Just Me
(but it isn’t): Telling the Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power
(Gotham, 2007) and 
Wholehearted: Spiritual Adventures in Falling Apart,
Growing Up, and Finding Joy
(Hazelden, forthcoming). She is also the author
of 
Connections,
a psychoeducational shame-resilience curriculum that is being
facilitated across the nation by mental health and addictions professionals.
Brené lives in Houston with her husband, Steve, and their two young 
children, Ellen and Charlie.
You can learn more about Brené and her research by visiting www
.brenebrown.com or by visiting her blog at www.ordinarycourage.com. For 
a 
Gifts of Imperfection
reading guide and a list of book recommendations,
please visit her Web site.
about the author

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