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How to Get Someone out of Bed
'I am sure,' said Mr Wonka, addressing Grandpa George, Grandma Georgina and
Grandma Josephine, 'I am quite sure the three of you, after all
that
, will now
want to jump out of bed and lend a hand in running the Chocolate Factory.'
'Who, us?' said Grandma Josephine.
'Yes, you,' said Mr Wonka.
'Are you crazy?' said Grandma Georgina. 'I'm staying right here where I am in
this nice comfortable bed, thank you very much!'
'Me, too!' said Grandpa George.
At that moment, there was a sudden commotion among the Oompa-Loompas at
the far end of the Chocolate Room. There was a buzz of excited chatter and a lot
of running about and waving of arms, and out of all this a single Oompa-
Loompa emerged and came rushing toward Mr Wonka, carrying a huge envelope
in his hands. He came up close to Mr Wonka. He started whispering. Mr Wonka
bent down low to listen.
'
Outside the factory gates?
' cried Mr Wonka. '
Men! . . . What sort of men? . . .
Yes, but do they look dangerous? . . . Are they ACTING dangerously? . . . And a
what? . . . A HELICOPTER! . . . And these men came out of it? . . . They gave
you this? . . .
'
Mr Wonka grabbed the huge envelope and quickly slit it open and pulled out the
folded letter inside. There was absolute silence as he skimmed swiftly over what
was written on the paper. Nobody moved. Charlie began to feel cold. He knew
something dreadful was going to happen. There was a very definite smell of
danger in the air. The men outside the gates, the helicopter, the nervousness of
the Oompa-Loompas . . . He was watching Mr Wonka's face, searching for a
clue, for some change in expression that would tell him how bad the news was.
'
Great whistling whangdoodles!
' cried Mr Wonka, leaping so high in the air that
when he landed his legs gave way and he crashed on to his backside.
'
Snorting snozzwangers!
' he yelled, picking himself up and waving the letter
about as though he were swatting mosquitoes. 'Listen to this, all of you! Just you
listen to this!' He began to read aloud:
THE WHITE HOUSE
WASHINGTON
D.C.
TO MR WILLY WONKA.
SIR
TODAY THE ENTIRE NATION, INDEED THE WHOLE WORLD, IS
REJOICING AT THE SAFE RETURN OF OUR TRANSPORT CAPSULE
FROM SPACE WITH 136 SOULS ON BOARD. HAD IT NOT BEEN FOR
THE HELP THEY RECEIVED FROM AN UNKNOWN SPACESHIP, THESE
136 PEOPLE WOULD NEVER HAVE COME BACK. IT HAS BEEN
REPORTED TO ME THAT THE COURAGE SHOWN BY THE EIGHT
ASTRONAUTS ABOARD THIS UNKNOWN SPACESHIP WAS
EXTRAORDINARY. OUR RADAR STATIONS, BY TRACKING THIS
SPACESHIP ON ITS RETURN TO EARTH, HAVE DISCOVERED THAT IT
SPLASHED DOWN IN A PLACE KNOWN AS WONKA'S CHOCOLATE
FACTORY. THAT, SIR, IS WHY THIS LETTER IS BEING DELIVERED TO
YOU.
I WISH NOW TO SHOW THE GRATITUDE OF THE NATION BY
INVITING ALL EIGHT OF THOSE INCREDIBLY BRAVE ASTRONAUTS
TO COME AND STAY IN THE WHITE HOUSE FOR A FEW DAYS AS MY
HONOURED GUESTS.
I AM ARRANGING A SPECIAL CELEBRATION PARTY IN THE BLUE
ROOM THIS EVENING AT WHICH I MYSELF WILL PIN MEDALS FOR
BRAVERY UPON ALL EIGHT OF THESE GALLANT FLIERS. THE MOST
IMPORTANT PERSONS IN THE LAND WILL BE PRESENT AT THIS
GATHERING TO SALUTE THE HEROES WHOSE DAZZLING DEEDS
WILL BE WRITTEN FOR EVER IN THE HISTORY OF OUR NATION.
AMONG THOSE ATTENDING WILL BE THE VICE-PRESIDENT (MISS
ELVIRA TIBBS), ALL THE MEMBERS OF MY CABINET, THE CHIEFS OF
THE ARMY, THE NAVY AND THE AIR FORCE, ALL MEMBERS OF THE
CONGRESS. A FAMOUS SWORD-SWALLOWER FROM AFGHANISTAN
WHO IS NOW TEACHING ME TO EAT MY WORDS (WHAT YOU DO IS
YOU TAKE THE S OFF THE BEGINNING OF THE SWORD AND PUT IT
ON THE END BEFORE YOU SWALLOW IT). AND WHO ELSE IS
COMING? OH YES, MY CHIEF INTERPRETER, AND THE GOVERNORS
OF EVERY STATE IN THE UNION, AND OF COURSE MY CAT, MRS
TAUBSYPUSS.
A HELICOPTER AWAITS ALL EIGHT OF YOU OUTSIDE THE FACTORY
GATES. I MYSELF AWAIT YOUR ARRIVAL AT THE WHITE HOUSE
WITH THE VERY GREATEST PLEASURE AND IMPATIENCE.
I BEG TO REMAIN, SIR,
MOST SINCERELY YOURS
LANCELOT R. GILLIGRASS
President of the United States
P.S. COULD YOU PLEASE BRING ME A FEW WONKA FUDGEMALLOW
DELIGHTS. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH BUT EVERYBODY AROUND HERE
KEEPS STEALING MINE OUT OF THE DRAWER IN MY DESK. AND
DON'T TELL NANNY.
Mr Wonka stopped reading. And in the stillness that followed Charlie could hear
people breathing. He could hear them breathing in and out much faster than
usual. And there were other things, too. There were so many feelings and
passions and there was so much sudden happiness swirling around in the air it
made his head spin. Grandpa Joe was the first to say something . . .
'
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