Before I die Jenny Downham

Instructions for Cal 
Don t die young. Don t get meningitis, or Aids or anything else ever. 
Be healthy. Don t fight in any war, or join a cult, or get religion, or lose your 
heart to someone who doesn t deserve it. Don t think you have to be good 
because you re the only one left. Be as bad as you like.
I reach for Dad s hand. His fingers look raw, as if they ve been through 
a grater. 
What have you done?
He shrugs. I don t know. I didn t even notice.
Further instructions for Dad – Let Cal be enough for you.
I love you. I love you. I send this message through my fingers and 
into his, up his arm and into his heart. Hear me. I love you. And I m sorry 
to leave you. 
I wake up hours later. How did that happen? 
Cal s here again, sitting next to me on the bed propped up with 
pillows. Sorry I shouted.
Did Dad tell you to say that?
He nods. The curtains are open and somehow the darkness is back. 

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279
Are you scared? Cal says this very softly, as if it s something he s 
thinking, but didn t mean to say. 
m scared of falling asleep.
That you won t wake up?
Yes.
His eyes shine. But you know it won t be tonight, don t you? I mean, 
you ll be able to tell, won t you?
It won t be tonight.
He rests his head on my shoulder. I really, really hate this, he says. 

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280
Forty-one 
The bell they gave me is loud in the dark, but I don t care. Adam 
comes in, bleary-eyed, in his boxers and T-shirt. 
You left me.
I just this second went down to make a cup of tea.
I don t believe him. And I don t care about his cup of tea. He can drink 
tepid water from my jug if he s desperate. 
Hold my hand. Don t let go.
Every time I close my eyes, I fall. Endlessly falling. 

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