Before I die Jenny Downham

Parachutes, cocktails, stones, lollipops, buckets, zebras, sheds, 
cigarettes, cold tap water
, on the wallpaper above Cal s bed. Then I smell 
my armpits, the skin on my arm, my fingers. I stroke my hair backwards, 
forwards, like a rug. 
Dad s taking ages. I go for a walk round the room. At the mirror I pull 
out a single hair. It s growing back much darker, and strangely curly, like 
pubic hair. I examine it, let it fall. I like being able to spare one to the 
carpet. 
There s a map of the world on Cal s wall. Oceans and deserts. He s got 
the solar system staked out on his ceiling. I lie on his bed to look at it 
properly. It makes me feel tiny. 

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101
It s literally five minutes later when I open my eyes and go downstairs 
to see what s keeping Dad. He s already scarpered, left some stupid note by 
his laptop. 
I phone him. Where are you?
You were asleep, Tess.
But where are you?
I just came out for a quick coffee. I m in the park.
The park? Why would you go there? We ve got coffee at home.
Tess! Come on, I just need a bit of space. Turn the TV on if you re 
lonely. I ll be back soon.
A woman cooks breaded chicken. Three men press a buzzer as they 
compete for fifty thousand pounds. Two actors argue about a dead cat. One 
of them makes a joke about stuffing it. I sit hunched. Mute. Stunned by 
how crap TV is, how little we all have to say. 
I text Zoey. WHERE R U? She texts back that she s at college, but 
that s a lie because she doesn t have classes on Fridays. 
I wish I had a mobile number for Adam. I d text, DID U DIE? 
He should be outside digging in manure, peat and rotting vegetation. I 
looked up November in Dad s Reader s Digest 
Book of Gardening
and it 
suggests that this is the perfect time for conditioning the soil. He should 
also be thinking about planting a hazel bush, since they provide an 
attractive addition to any garden. I thought a filbert might be nice. They 
have large heart-shaped nuts. 
He hasn t been out there for days though. 
And he promised me a motorbike ride. 

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