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partner experiences appreciation, your partner’s ego is
soothed, and he or she can drop into Essence. Often, it
isn’t that your partner isn’t willing to give to you; it’s
that your partner just wants to be acknowledged and
appreciated for giving.
A little appreciation goes a long way in relationships.
It results in cooperation, in the willingness to be helpful
to each other, while a lack of appreciation often results
in the withdrawal of love and giving, which can have a
very negative, spiraling effect. To turn this negative spiral
around, gratitude, appreciation, praise, and compliments
do wonders. Sometimes that’s all that is needed for
harmony, happiness, and love to flow once again.
From
Choosing Love
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Don’t Share the Ego’s Truth
The ego’s thoughts in general, and judgments in
particular, aren’t necessarily useful to share with others.
Honesty is not the best policy, if that honesty comes
from the ego. In addition to judgments, the ego is full of
opinions, complaints, and half-truths, and sharing these
with others can only bring them into the egoic state of
consciousness. And often, what the ego thinks is just
plain hurtful. Most people are conditioned to believe
that being honest is necessary and good for relationships
when, in fact, it’s often very detrimental. If being
truthful means expressing the ego’s truth, then it’s better
to not be truthful or to just keep quiet. The ego’s truth is
not the truth, and speaking it just keeps us identified
with the ego and drags others into ego identification.
For instance, sharing what you don’t like about your
partner is just hurtful and doesn’t serve. What’s the
point in telling your partner you don’t like the way he or
she smiles, or the way he or she dresses, or the way he or
she drives, or the way he or she talks to the dog? It only
creates tension between you. Sharing such information is
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OVE
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generally an attempt, although an ineffective one, to
change the other person to fit your preferences. If
something you say will result in contraction or negative
feelings in the other person rather than love, then it’s
better to not say it—even if it’s true to you. Choose love
rather than the ego’s truth. The ego chooses to speak its
truth instead of being loving because doing so gives it a
feeling of being right. But being right doesn’t actually
feel good, certainly not like love feels.
Even if your partner asks your opinion about how
he or she looks, it never serves to be honest if you don’t
like something, especially if it isn’t something that can
be changed. It’s one thing to say, “I like that dress better
than the other one,” and quite another to say, “I think
you look a little fat in that.” One expresses a preference
about a dress, and the other expresses an opinion about
the person’s body, which can’t easily be changed.
Perhaps she says, “Do you think I’ve gained a little
weight?” Even if you think she has, find a way to make
her feel good instead of agreeing with her—for example,
“You’re as beautiful as ever!” Or if she says, “Are you
mad at me?” you might say, “No, I’m mad about you.” It
feels good to say something nice, and the other person
will appreciate your sweetness. You will have brought her
into Essence and out of her critical mind. What a gift!
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When the ego speaks, it results in contraction, bad
feelings, and possibly tension and conflict in the
relationship. When Essence speaks, on the other hand,
people feel good, they relax, they feel love, and they give
love. Paradise is restored! When Essence speaks, it
expresses
appreciation,
approval,
acceptance,
compassion, patience, and love: “Take as much time as
you want,” “I love how you do that,” “It’s fine just the
way it is,” “It’s not that easy to do,” “You’re so sweet.”
Essence compliments and uplifts rather than judges.
This is the difference between heaven and hell on earth
and in relationships.
Love is much more important than honesty.
Honesty doesn’t serve relationships when it creates
contraction and tension. When contraction and tension
are present, you can be sure that the ego’s truth and not
Essence’s is being spoken. Let the results of your words
be what determines whether you speak them or not.
Speak only what brings harmony and love to the
relationship and forgo what the ego has to say. That’s a
much better policy than honesty.
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