He wished Dr. Ferris would come. He glanced at his watch: Dr.
Ferris was late—an astonishing matter—late for an appointment with him—Dr. Floyd Ferris, the valet of
science, who had always faced him in a manner that suggested an apology for having but one hat to take
off.
This was outrageous weather for the month of May, he thought, looking down at the river; it was
certainly the weather
that made him feel as he did, not the book. He had placed the book in plain view on
his desk, when he had noted that his reluctance to see it was more than mere revulsion, that it contained
the element of an emotion never to be admitted. He told himself that he had risen from his desk, not
because the book lay there, but merely because he had wanted to move, feeling cold.
He paced the
room, trapped between the desk and the window. He would throw that book in the ash can where it
belonged, he thought, just as soon as he had spoken to Dr. Ferris.
He watched the patch of green and sunlight on the distant hill, the promise of spring in a world that
looked as if no grass or bud would ever function again. He smiled eagerly—and when the patch
vanished, he felt a stab of humiliation, at his own eagerness, at the desperate
way he had wanted to hold
it. It reminded him of that interview with the eminent novelist, last winter. The novelist had come from
Europe to write an article about him—and he, who had once despised interviews, had talked eagerly,
lengthily, too lengthily, seeing a promise of intelligence in the novelist's face, feeling a causeless,
desperate
need to be understood. The article had come out as a collection of sentences that gave him exorbitant
praise and garbled every thought he had expressed. Closing the magazine, he had felt what he was feeling
now at the desertion of a sunray.
All right—he thought, turning away from the window—he would concede that attacks of loneliness had
begun to strike him at times; but it was a loneliness to which he was entitled,
it was hunger for the
response of some living, thinking mind. He was so tired of all those people, he thought in contemptuous
bitterness; he dealt with cosmic rays, while they were unable to deal with an electric storm.
He felt the sudden contraction of his mouth, like a slap denying him the right to pursue this course of
thought. He was looking at the book on his desk. Its glossy
jacket was glaring and new; it had been
published two weeks ago. But I had nothing to do with it!—he screamed to himself; the scream seemed
wasted on a merciless silence; nothing answered it, no echo of forgiveness. The title on the book's jacket
was Why Do You Think You Think?
There was no sound in that
courtroom silence within him, no pity, no voice of defense—nothing but the
paragraphs which his great memory had reprinted on his brain: "Thought is a primitive superstition.
Reason is an irrational idea.
The childish notion that we are able to think has been mankind's costliest error."
"What you think you think is an illusion created by your glands, your emotions and, in the last analysis,
by the content of your stomach."
"That gray matter you're so proud of is like a mirror in an amusement park which transmits to you
nothing but distorted signals from a reality forever beyond your grasp."
"The more certain you feel of your rational conclusions, the more certain you are to be wrong. Your
brain being
an instrument of distortion, the more active the brain the greater the distortion."
"The giants of the intellect, whom you admire so much, once taught you that the earth was flat and that
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