Depression
The writer Eckhart Tolle explains at the beginning of his first book how
his writing was triggered by an experience which he recounts at the begin-
ning of
The Power of
Now
.
Until my thirtieth year, I lived in a state of almost continuous anxiety
interspersed with periods of suicidal depression. . . .
One night not long after my twenty-ninth birthday, I woke up in the
early hours with a feeling of absolute dread. I had woken up with such
a feeling many times before, but this time it was more intense than it
had ever been. . . .
‘I cannot live with myself any longer.’ This was the thought that kept
repeating itself in my mind. Then suddenly I became aware of what a
peculiar thought it was. ‘Am I one or two? If I cannot live with myself,
there must be two of me: the “I” and the “self” that “I” cannot live
with.’ ‘Maybe’, I thought, ‘only one of them is real’.
I was so stunned by this strange realization that my mind stopped.
I was fully conscious, but there were no more thoughts. Then I felt
drawn into what seemed like a vortex of energy. It was a slow move-
ment at first and then accelerated. I was gripped by an intense fear, and
my body began to shake. I heard the words ‘resist nothing’, as if spo-
ken inside my chest. I could feel myself being sucked into a void. It felt
as if the void was inside myself rather than outside. Suddenly, there
was no more fear, and I let myself fall into that void. I have no recol-
lection what happened after that.
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84
I was awakened by the chirping of a bird outside the window. I had
never heard such a sound before. My eyes were still closed, and I saw
the image of a precious diamond. Yes, if a diamond could make a
sound, this is what it would be like. I opened my eyes. The first light
of dawn was filtering through the curtains. Without any thought, I felt,
I knew, that there is infinitely more to light than we realize. That soft
luminosity filtering through the curtains was love itself. Tears came
into my eyes. I got up and walked around the room. I recognized the
room, and yet I knew I had never truly seen it before. . . .
That day I walked around the city in utter amazement at the miracle
of life on earth, as if I had just been born into this world.
75
Tolle lived in a state of bliss for several months afterwards, but still did
not understand what had happened to him. It was the beginning of a
spiritual journey which eventually enabled him to interpret his experi-
ence. He realized that the intensity of his suffering had enabled him to
split from his unhappy ego and to discover his true nature, his pure con-
sciousness. He learned to repeat the experience and eventually became a
spiritual teacher.
This experience of love, triggered by long-standing depression, was
sent in when the experient was aged 77.
I will send you an experience which befell me in 1926, when I was like
you aged 30. It has governed my outlook on life ever since. . . .
After a serious abdominal operation in Spring 1925, while on leave
in England from duty in Burma, I had been for about a year in a state
of great depression, and had lost all belief in God. In spite of treatment
by psychiatrists, both in and out of hospital, I had set out by sea on
return to duty with the firm intention of taking my life during the jour-
ney. A book on theosophy which had been given to me before my
departure, helped me to survive the journey and opened my mind to
the possibility that a world existed beyond the reach of our physical
senses. On reaching Burma, I got in touch with the local Theosophical
lodge and for a few weeks found some peace of mind.
Soon, however, the old depression returned until one day I was
sitting on the slope of Mandalay Hill (very sacred to Buddhists),
bemoaning my wretched state and wondering how I could carry on.
Suddenly I experienced the most vivid sensation that I and all my
surroundings were, so to speak, immersed in an ocean of love. I realised
in a flash that there is indeed a spiritual world beyond the reach of our
senses, and that the spirit of love, which many call God, permeates and
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85
envelops our physical world. I was filled with intense relief and joy and
the realisation that I must do all in my power to help establish God’s
kingdom of love upon earth. [003427]
Fear
Many people who do not normally pray, do so to ask for help in times
of crisis. This experience, however, is recounted by a young woman
Christian missionary. She had become a missionary as a result of this
experience in childhood and linked the two events,
Perhaps the following may not come under the heading ‘Unusual Expe-
rience’ to those who try to live out logically what they believe. To a
great many people they would be unusual. The first experience was
when I was ten. I attended a small country school. I had been accused
of stealing. I hadn’t done so but felt terribly ashamed that I had been
accused. Later in the afternoon after school, I sat on a bank by the
roadside and wished I could die. Before me was field of hay, not yet
ripe and shimmering like brown-green velvet in the shadowy sunlight.
It was beautiful and I thought, ‘If I die I won’t see that again’. Instantly
on the thought came the knowledge that God knew I had not stolen
and that nothing else mattered. The relief was tremendous. Two things
resulted from that experience; I became a missionary and also realised
more and more that inner integrity is an absolute for wholeness of
personality. The second experience happened when I was a young
woman.
I was, perforce, travelling alone in the Kashmir Hills. It was
near dusk. I had left the motorcar that brought me up the hill and, hav-
ing been forbidden to take strenuous exercise, was being carried in a
‘dandie’ by four men for the rest of the way. A fifth, very unpleasant
man insisted on coming with us. I saw this man eye my handbag and
exchange a meaningful look with one of the men in the rear. I knew
they meant to rob me, that there would probably be violence and I was
terrified. Then it was as if a voice within me said, ‘You say you have
faith and this is how you react when it comes to the test’. I felt very
ashamed, faith returned and I felt an extraordinary peace. I could even
wonder what would happen, where it would happen (possibly in the
belt of trees we were approaching,) and what I should do. One of the
leading men turned. I smiled to him. As he was a Muslim (they all
were), I asked him if he had ever been to Ajmer. Ajmer is the second
Mecca to the Muslim. ‘No’, he replied and asked eagerly if I knew
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86
Ajmer. I replied that I lived there. They all began to ask questions about
the great mosque and I was able to answer their questions and even to
tell them some things they hadn’t known. I knew then that
I was perfectly safe. We got lost on the hillside – my fault, not theirs –
and I was nearly two hours late reaching my destination.
We parted, each praying a blessing on the other. The result of that
experience was that during the Quit India months and during the
troubled times at Partition I was able to travel anywhere in the country
without fear. I am slight in build and timid by nature. [000005]
Anger
Neale Donald Walsch was so angry about the way things were in his life
that he sat down and wrote a letter to God.
It was a spiteful, passionate letter, full of confusions, contortions and
condemnations. And a
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