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W
HO
I A
M
I
t’s taken a while, but I have gotten to a point where being a SEAL
no longer defines me. I need to be a husband and a father. Those
things, now, are my first calling.
Being a SEAL has been a huge part of me. I still feel the pull. I
certainly would have preferred having the best of both worlds—the
job
and
the family. But at least in my case, the job wouldn’t allow
it.
I’m not sure I would have either. In a sense, I had to step away
from the job to become the fuller man my family needed me to be.
I don’t know where or when the change came. It didn’t happen
until I got out. I had to get through that resentment at first. I had to
move through the good things and the bad things to reach a point
where I could really move ahead.
Now I want to be a good dad and a good husband. Now I’ve
rediscovered a real love for my wife. I genuinely miss her when I’m
on a business trip. I want to be able to hug her and sleep next to
her.
Taya:
What I loved about Chris in the beginning was the
way he unabashedly wore his heart on his sleeve. He
didn’t play games with my heart or my head. He was a
straight shooter who seemed to back up his feelings in
actions: spending an hour and a half to drive up to see
me, then leaving in time for work at five a.m.;
communicating; putting up with my moods.
His sense of fun balanced out my serious side and
brought out the youthful side of me. He was up for
anything and completely supportive of anything I wanted
or dreamed of. He got along famously with my family
and I did with his.
When our marriage reached a crisis, I said I wouldn’t
love him the same if he reenlisted again. It wasn’t that I
didn’t love him, but I felt that his decision would confirm
what I thought was becoming increasingly evident. In
the beginning, I believed he loved me more than
anything. Slowly the Teams started to become his first
love. He continued to say the words and tell me what he
felt I needed to hear and what he had always said in the
past to express his love. The difference is, the words and
actions were no longer meshing. He still loved me but it
was different. He was consumed by the Teams.
When he was away, he would tell me things like “I
would do anything to be home with you,” and “I miss
you,” and “You are the most important thing in the
world to me.” I knew if he joined up again that all of
what he had been telling me over the past years were
mostly words or feelings in theory, rather than feelings
expressed in actions.
How could I love with the same reckless abandon if I
knew I was not what he said I was? I was second fiddle
at best.
H e would die for strangers and country. My
challenges and pain seemed to be mine alone. He wanted
to live his life and have a happy wife to come home to.
At the time, it meant everything I loved in the
beginning was changing and I would have to love him
differently. I thought it might be less, but it turns out it
was just different.
Just like in any relationship, things changed. We
changed. We both made mistakes and we both learned a
lot. We may love each other differently, but maybe that
is a good thing. Maybe it is more forgiving and more
mature, or maybe it is just different.
It is still really good. We still have each other’s backs
and we’ve learned that even through the tough times, we
don’t want to lose each other or the family we’ve built.
The more time that goes by the more we are each
able to show each other love in ways the other one
understands and feels.
I feel like my love for my wife has gotten deeper over the past
few years. Taya bought me a new wedding ring made of tungsten
steel—I don’t think it’s a coincidence that it’s the hardest metal she
could find.
It has crusader crosses on it, too. She jokes that it’s because
marriage is like a crusade.
Maybe for us it has been.
Taya:
I feel something coming from him that I hadn’t felt
before.
He’s definitely not the person he was before the war,
but there are a lot of the same qualities. His sense of
humor, his kindness, his warmth, his courage, and a
sense of responsibility. His quiet confidence inspires me.
Lik e any couple, we still have our day-to-day life
things we have to work through, but most importantly, I
feel loved. And I feel the kids and I are important.
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