After the quake blind willow, sleeping woman dance dance dance

Ayumi is right. Who could possibly 
object to a wine like this?
“You’re amazing,” Ayumi said, “the way you can put this in such a philosophical 
perspective.” 
“I’m not being philosophical. I’m just telling you what I honestly think.” 
“I was in love with somebody once,” Ayumi said with a confidential air. “Right 
after I graduated from high school. The boy I first had sex with. He was three years 
older than me. But he dumped me for somebody else right away. I went kind of wild 
after that. It was really hard on me. I got over him, but I still haven’t recovered from 
the wild part. He was a real two-timing bastard, a smooth talker. But I really loved 
him.” 
Aomame nodded, and Ayumi picked up her wineglass and took a drink. 
“He still calls me once in a while, says he wants to get together. All he wants is my 
body, of course. I know that. So I don’t see him. I know it would just be another mess 
if I did. Or should I say my 
brain
knows it, but my body always reacts. It wants him 
so
badly! When these things build up, I let myself go crazy again. I wonder if you 
know what I mean.” 
“I certainly do,” Aomame said. 
“He’s really an awful guy, pretty nasty, and he’s not that good in bed, either. But at 
least he’s not scared of me, and while I’m with him he treats me well.” 
“Feelings like that don’t give you any choice, do they?” Aomame said. “They 
come at you whenever they want to. It’s not like choosing food from a menu.” 
“It is in one way: you have regrets after you make a mistake.” 

---

174
They shared a laugh. 
Aomame said, “It’s the same with menus and men and just about anything else: we 
think
we’re choosing things for ourselves, but in fact we may not be choosing 
anything. It could be that everything’s decided in advance and we 
pretend
we’re 
making choices. Free will may be an illusion. I often think that.” 
“If that’s true, life is pretty dark.” 
“Maybe so.” 
“But 
if
you can love someone with your whole heart—even if he’s a terrible person 
and even if he doesn’t love you back—life is not a hell, at least, though it might be 
kind of dark. Is that what you’re saying?” Ayumi asked. 
“Exactly.” 
“But still,” Ayumi said, “it seems to me that this world has a serious shortage of 
both logic and kindness.” 
“You may be right,” Aomame said. “But it’s too late to trade it in for another one.” 
“The exchange window expired a long time ago,” Ayumi said. 
“And the receipt’s been thrown away.” 
“You said it.” 
“Oh, well, no problem,” Aomame said. “The world’s going to end before we know 
it.” 
“Sounds like fun.” 
“And the kingdom is going to come.” 
“I can hardly wait,” Ayumi said. 
They ate dessert, drank espresso, and split the bill (which was amazingly cheap). 
Then they dropped into a neighborhood bar for cocktails. 
“Oh, look at 
him
over there,” Ayumi said. “He’s your type, isn’t he?” 
Aomame swung her gaze in that direction. A tall, middle-aged man was drinking a 
martini alone at the end of the bar. He looked like a high school scholar-athlete who 
had entered middle age virtually unchanged. His hair was beginning to thin, but he 
still had a youthful face. 
“He may be, but we’re not having anything to do with men today,” Aomame 
declared. “And besides, this is a classy bar.” 
“I know. I just wanted to see what you’d say.” 
“We’ll do that next time.” 
Ayumi looked at Aomame. “Does that mean you’ll go with me next time? 
Searching for men, I mean.” 
“For sure,” Aomame said. “Let’s do it.” 
“Great! Something tells me that together, we can do anything!” 
Aomame was drinking a daiquiri, Ayumi a Tom Collins. 
“Oh, by the way,” Aomame said, “on the phone the other day you said we were 
doing lesbian stuff. What kind of stuff?” 
“Oh, 
that,
” Ayumi said. “It was nothing special. We just faked it a bit to liven 
things up. You really don’t remember anything? You were pretty hot.” 
“Not a thing. My memory is wiped clean.” 
“We were naked and touching each other’s breasts and kissing down there and—” 

---

175
“Kissing down there?!” Aomame exclaimed. After the words escaped her lips, she 
nervously glanced around. She had spoken too loudly in the quiet bar, but fortunately 
no one seemed to have heard what she said. 
“Don’t worry, like I said, we were faking it. No tongues.” 
“Oh, man,” Aomame sighed, pressing her temples. “What the hell was 
that
all 
about?” 
“I’m sorry,” Ayumi said. 
“It’s not your fault. I should never have let myself get so drunk.” 
“But really, Aomame, you were so sweet and clean down there. Like new.” 
“Well, of course, I really 
am
almost new down there.” 
“You mean you don’t use it all that often?” 
Aomame nodded. “That’s exactly what I mean. So, tell me: are you interested in 
women?” 
Ayumi shook her head. “No, I never did anything like that before. Really. But I 
was pretty drunk, too, and I figured I wouldn’t mind doing a little of that stuff as long 
as it was with you. Faking it. Just for fun. How about you?” 
“No, I don’t have those kinds of feelings, either. Once, though, when I was in high 
school, I kind of did stuff like that with a good friend of mine. Neither of us had been 
planning it. It just sort of happened.” 
“It’s probably not that unusual. Did you 
feel
anything that time?” 
“I did, I think,” Aomame answered honestly. “But only that once. I also felt it was 
wrong and never did anything like it again.” 
“You mean you think lesbian sex is wrong?” 
“No, not at all. I’m not saying lesbian sex is wrong or dirty or anything. I mean I 
just felt I shouldn’t get into that kind of a relationship with that particular friend. I 
didn’t want to change an important friendship into anything so physical.” 
“I see,” Ayumi said. “You know, if it’s okay with you, would you mind putting me 
up tonight? I don’t feel like going back to the dorm. The minute I walk in there it will 
just ruin the elegant mood we’ve managed to create this evening.” 
Aomame took her last sip of daiquiri and set her glass on the bar. “I don’t mind 
putting you up, but no fooling around.” 
“No, no, that’s fine, I’m not looking for that. I just want to stay with you a little 
longer. I don’t care where you put me to bed. I can sleep anywhere—even on the 
floor. And I’m off duty tomorrow, so we can hang out in the morning, too.” 
They took the subway back to Aomame’s apartment in Jiyugaoka, arriving just before 
eleven. Both were pleasantly drunk and sleepy. Aomame put bedding on the sofa and 
lent Ayumi a pair of pajamas. 
“Can I get in bed with you for a minute or two?” Ayumi asked. “I want to stay 
close to you just a little bit longer. No funny business, I promise.” 
“I don’t mind,” Aomame said, struck by the fact that a woman who had killed 
three men would be lying in bed with an active-duty policewoman. Life was so 
strange! 

---

176
Ayumi crawled under the covers and wrapped her arms around Aomame, her firm 
breasts pressing against Aomame’s arm, her breath smelling of alcohol and 
toothpaste. “Don’t you think my breasts are too big?” she asked Aomame. 
“Not at all. They’re beautiful.” 
“Sure, but, I don’t know, big boobs make you look stupid, don’t you think? Mine 
bounce when I run, and I’m too embarrassed to hang my bras out to dry—they’re like 
two big salad bowls.” 
“Men seem to like them like that.” 
“And even my nipples are too big.” Ayumi unbuttoned her pajama top and pulled 
out a breast. “Look. This is a big nipple! Don’t you think it’s odd?” 
Aomame looked at Ayumi’s nipple. It was certainly not small, but not so big as to 
cause concern, maybe a little bit bigger than Tamaki’s. “It’s nice. Did somebody tell 
you your nipples are too big?” 
“Yeah, one guy. He said they’re the biggest he’s ever seen in his life.” 
“I’m sure he hadn’t seen very many.