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between
“GOING WITH
THE FLOW”
and becoming
A DOORMAT
When the Western Zen renaissance began in the 50s (a movement
to which many have credited Alan Watts's work for inspiring) it was a
manifestation aligned precisely what ancient teachings hoped and
intended for humanity: to adopt it into our lifestyle. Yet an essence
got lost in translation. We began to interpret spirituality from the
perspective of the ego when it was not designed for that, and we do
not realize we are doing it because it is the only thing we know.
Take, for example, the concept of non-resistance. From our
understanding, it is the process of consciously releasing
expectations and attachments to outcomes (which the Taoists argue
is the root of all suffering).
Yet we don’t really know what it means to be non-resistant, so we
regard it as a sort of “ego surrender,” where our idea of “letting go”
spirals into “surrounding control of life and simply allowing whatever,
no matter how terrible!” This is how the misperception that spirituality
is passive and lazy is born.
The way that non-resistance was intended to be practiced was by
striking a fine balance between what you can and cannot control in
your life. To put it metaphorically, it is to steer the ship along with the
current, not against it. It does not mean to surrender all control or
effort, it simply means to wield it more wisely.
This is such an exemplary way to characterize the nature of the
ego, but as tradition would teach, the ego is not “bad” (that is another
Western stereotype). The ego serves an absolutely crucial purpose;
it is simply a matter of recognizing that and surrendering to it, rather
than our fear and lack of awareness. In this case, it is realizing that
the path of non-resistance does not call for us to completely
surrender to “whatever” happens in life. Rather, it is to be discerning
about how we exert control and realize the fact that the “current” is
more powerful than we are. We can either stage a fight we’ll always
lose or let ourselves be carried.
90
YOU HAVE TO
BE KINDEST TO
YOURSELF
when it seems
LEAST DESERVED
We believe that being cruel to ourselves is a self-preservation tactic.
We pick out our flaws because we are survivalists by nature. We
have an itch to be aware of what other people could deem unworthy
and insufficient. So we dwell on every possible flaw someone could
rip apart and use against us. But it never makes us stronger. It
doesn’t make us immune to someone doing so simply because we
got there first. Believing what other people could say before they say
it doesn’t give us a defense against it.
You have to stop believing that you need other people’s permission
to be okay with yourself. That however you do or don’t align with
what other people value determines your worth. That however the
world does or doesn’t show you kindness is a direct reflection of how
much you deserve it. You have to be kind to yourself. Even, and
probably most especially, when it seems least deserved.
Telling ourselves everything other people could possibly use
against us doesn’t numb us to it. It only makes us believe we are
worth those words and that those accusations would be valid.
Besides, there are so many variables to whether or not someone will
grace you with their approval and praise that it’s nearly impossible to
blanket over everyone and everything completely and universally.
And that’s what’s required if validation is to be sought: certainty. The
exact kind we can’t find in ourselves.
But people’s opinions, especially negative ones, largely stem from
what they know they don’t have and can’t do. You eventually have to
stop basing your self-worth on the insecurities of others and start
basing it on your own genuine convictions, no matter how long it
takes for you to find them. I always knew that my belief that I wasn’t
worth it wasn’t the reason I played my own antagonist. My fear of
being hurt by other people was.
The only way you can ever really heal or find some sense of
genuine contentment is in narrating your life as someone who loves
you would. Because you should love you. So today, while I was
getting down on myself for something writing-related (because that’s
how life works sometimes), I was about to text my one friend who
always encourages me and tells me to keep going, but I realized:
Why can’t I tell myself what she’s going to say? Why do I have to
wait for someone else to give me those words? It’s not that I
shouldn’t appreciate her encouragement, but why do I value the
thoughts and opinions of other people more than I do my own?
It’s a shift of mindset. In that respect, it’s a choice. It’s choosing to
get help, to move away, to end a relationship, to rekindle one again.
It’s feeding yourself and making sure you get enough sleep. It’s
tenderly, constantly reminding yourself that you are going to be okay;
not because you’re delusional, not because that’s what everyone
says, but because “okay” is where we all end up. Not because
anybody else tells us that we will. But because we find it on our own
and learn to believe it for ourselves.
91
THE 15 MOST
COMMON
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