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for yourself:
AN 8-STEP GUIDE
Most of the thoughts you experience in a day are not unique or self-
generated. Our minds are like computer programs: They seek out,
repeat, and believe what they are told to.
Few people recognize how deeply their thinking is conditioned, and
they assume their thoughts and subsequent feelings are a part of
who they are (and so they defend them, passionately). Learning to
think for yourself is something you must consciously choose, and
very few people do. Here are a few steps to guide you through it,
assuming you dissect one idea (or opinion) at a time:
01. Decipher the origin of the opinion. Recall the first time you
experienced it.
For example, if you remember being in second grade and
hearing a parent say that anybody who isn’t pro-life is a
murderer, you probably had a very strong reaction to it, being
all of seven years old. Figuring out the origin of your thoughts,
ideas, and beliefs shows you how often they are not your own
realization or discovery, but someone else’s imposition.
02. Determine whether or not your evidence is based in emotion
or reason.
What are the supporting arguments for your opinion or idea?
If they are emotion-based, are the feelings yours or someone
else’s? If neither, what are the facts that inform your belief?
03. Ask yourself who the opinion benefits.
Is it anybody (or anything) but either you or the general good
of humankind?
04. Consider why opposing ideas could be valid.
This is probably the most crucial part, and yet very few
people have the wherewithal to consider and discuss
opposing ideas without feeling absolutely enraged. (It’s what
happens when we identify with our thoughts too deeply.)
Regardless, seriously sit down and try to understand the
logic, reason, or fear of opposing opinions without passing
judgment.
05. Recognize why you feel the way you do about it.
Unless you are a trained expert on the topic, any strong
emotions that accompany your opinion on it are usually
strictly personal (and therefore keep you away from being
objective and realistic). It would take years and an
extraordinary amount of research (at the level of Ph.D.
candidacy) to be in a position to truly understand a nuanced
issue enough to have an extremely strong feeling about it.
06. Research.
If you are as passionate as you claim to be about a particular
idea, research it and make sure your ideas aren’t unfounded.
Then follow a few reputable newspapers, unbiased news
sources, and research centers to keep yourself up to date
with what’s being discovered and discussed in the world.
07. Ask yourself what the outcome would be if everybody in the
world thought the way you do.
It’s the best way to determine whether or not an idea only
benefits your ego.
08. Envision your most actualized self: What would they think, if
not this?
Imagining what your best self would say about an issue is a pretty
good way to determine what you should shift your mindset toward.
85
THE VERY
IMPORTANT
REASON WHY
we choose to
LOVE PEOPLE
who cannot
LOVE US BACK
The purpose of a relationship is not to be loved perfectly, or forever.
It is not to have our every whim and wish met and fulfilled. It is not to
be completed, or to have our minds and hearts fueled by the
hormonal stimulation we think is the feeling of love. The purpose of a
relationship is not the universe’s way of saying, “You’re worthy, and
here’s someone to prove it.”
The purpose of a relationship is to see ourselves completely. It is to
see the parts of ourselves that we are otherwise unconscious of. The
purpose of a relationship is to infuriate and overjoy and destroy us so
we can see what angers us, what thrills us, and where we need to
give ourselves love. The purpose of a relationship is not to fix us, or
heal us, or to make us whole and happy; it is to show us where we
need fixing and what parts of us are still broken, and perhaps the
most brutal of all: that nobody can do this work, or make us happy,
but ourselves.
We choose to love people who cannot love us back to teach
ourselves that we are, in fact, worthy of being loved back. We
choose these people because they represent the parts of us that we
don’t love—why else would we waste our time on people who don’t
return our affection? We choose to love these people because they
are the only ones with whom we share an intimate connection deep
enough that it can awaken and illuminate the darkest corners of
ourselves, and they are the only ones who can leave and let us do
what we are here to do: resolve and actualize and heal them on our
own.
It is not the nature of love that people struggle with, but what it is
designed to do. Most of our turmoil simply comes from never having
been told that love will keep breaking our hearts until they open, and
that we will be the ones throwing ourselves in again and again.
Our life partners are the people who come after the love that opens
us. Our big loves are the loves that emerge after we think we’ve lost
them already. They come after we’re ready, after we’ve already
cleared out the damage and debris, only after we’ve learned what it
means to love ourselves. It is in this we realize that love is sharing
what we already have, not relying on someone else to give us
something to supplement. It is in this we realize how crucial it was to
love the people who could not love us back. They were never meant
to, and the rest only depends on how long it takes us to realize this.
86
NOT EVERYBODY
WILL LOVE YOU
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