101 Essays That Will Change The Way You Think

to the things
THAT AREN’T 
MEANT FOR US
I used to wonder how you let go of the things that are killing you,
when it feels like it would kill you to let go. How you decide between
“if things are meant to be, they will be” and “if you want it, you have
to go get it.”
I think we hold on tightest to the things that aren’t meant for us
because at some level, we know they aren’t really ours. We’re
always seeking the love we know we don’t have. We’re always trying
to prove the things that are not entirely self-evident.
We know that when we stop thinking and talking and racking
through the details again and again, it will really be over. When all
that exists is an idea, holding on is the only way to keep it.
Because letting go has little to do with giving somebody permission
to leave our lives, or declare that they don’t love us anymore, or walk
away for good, and everything to do with accepting that they already
have.
I don’t know about fate. But I do know the things that are ours don’t
require us to mentally and emotionally latch onto them to remain.
That the best things are never forced, are never created out of
ultimatums, never leave us reeling and questioning them for months
or years at a time.
I do know that you cannot prove how much you love by how much
you’re pained over loss. That you do not prove your character by
how well you can convince other people you’re doing the right thing.
And I do know that it’s never the love that hurts you, it’s the
attachment to the idea of what it’s supposed to be. I do know that we
will never be able to find real love unless we learn to detach from
what it should be. I do know that we’re never going to find true

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happiness until we do the same. I do know that nothing here lasts,
and the idea that it does is an illusion—we eventually lose
everything, every last thing we have and are and own.
So the point isn’t what we lose, but what we had in the first place.
We aren’t meant to attain things like bullet points on a resume; we’re
supposed to go through them and let them go through us.
Some love teaches us what it has to teach us in a month. Some a
lifetime. Neither is more important than the other.
The things that are meant for us are the things that force us to stop
seeking an external light, but to start becoming it. The things that are
meant for us are trying and joyous and beautiful and excruciating.
They’re the things we don’t think about.
The things we don’t have to hold on tightly to make happen.

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67
THINGS 
YOUR 20s 
are too
SHORT FOR
01. Letting anybody convince you that because you’re young,
you’re incapable.
Plato began his career in politics before he was 20 and has
stated that he faced ridicule in his coming-of-age for that
reason. Some of the greatest cultural tycoons of this century
were in their 20s when their first huge contributions were
made: Jobs, Zuckerberg, etc. Imagine where we’d be if they
listened to the people who said, "What do you know?"
02. Arguing with people whose intentions are not to understand
you, only to prove themselves right.
You do not owe it to anybody to carry on a conversation that
is only serving the ego, but you do owe it to yourself to step
out of the inevitable frustration and self-doubt of interacting
with people who don’t listen to understand, but to respond;
who don’t speak to be heard, but to defend.
03. Wasting your energy placating the habits of people who don’t
take the initiative to actually get their shit together.
Often the most frustrating thing about dealing with someone
who is going through a tough time is that they aren’t willing to
listen to reason or logic, or even simply your opinion. You end
up having to pretend. You nod along with whatever they’re
saying because you don’t want your every interaction to turn
into a fight. The resentment will build and the relationship will
crumble anyway.
04. Justifying your choices to people who only care about how
you look within the context of their lives.

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The people who will squawk the loudest about what you
should and shouldn’t do or how you’re on the wrong path or
whatever else they couldn’t possibly have the grounds to
know are usually the ones most concerned with how it makes
them look and how they’re going to explain you to friends or
cousins or sisters or family or coworkers. Remember that
while you’re deciding who matters, and while we’re on the
topic…
05. Remaining in contact with people you don’t like because you
“should,” because it’s more convenient, because you’ll feel
guilty if you don’t, because you’re too afraid of what someone
will think if you’re finally honest with yourself and other
people.
You do not have to waste your life bending over backwards to
make people happy when they don’t—and wouldn’t—do the
same for you.
06. Holding onto love that’s already run its course because you
fear the best has passed you or you won’t find anybody who
makes you feel the same way.
The purpose of most great love is to gut you open, teach you
what you need to know, and send you on your way to bigger,
better, even happier things. Don’t let your irrational fears talk
you out of letting yourself find that.
07. Eating food you don’t like, keeping plans you don’t want,
staying digitally connected with people who annoy you,
hoarding clothes for a “someday” that never comes and
putting your life on hold for someone who does not—and will
never—want to commit.
The amount of life we waste gathering and holding onto the
things that will never really serve us does one thing and one
thing only: keeps us away from the things that matter, that
bring us joy and purpose and meaning, for that much longer.
08. Not taking time to figure out what you want, even if it’s to be
okay with knowing you’re not sure and don’t need to be. Don’t
let the fear of not finding something definitive keep you from
finding anything at all.

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You’ll be running around in the circles somebody else drew
for you so long as you don’t take the time to reflect and
evaluate and really connect with that core, inner knowing that
screams when you come across something you know is what
you’re meant to do or be or become—even if it’s just for a
day, an hour, a year.
09. Not taking the time to heal the wounds of your childhood.
The things that have molded you will be constructs that you—
and only you—will have to dismantle for yourself. The time to
do this will either be now, while you’re still adaptable and
developing, or later, when your unhealed walls are forcibly
knocked down by powers greater than your own self-control.
(The choice is yours; it always will be.)
10. Judging people for things that seem “wrong.” Every single
thing serves a purpose. The goal is not to create a seamless
image, it’s to go through the experiences that need to grow
and teach and change us.
You don’t know that a completely wrong and illogical marriage
is what someone really needs. You don’t know that there’s no
element of fate or destiny involved in the birth of a child that
seems young and for which the parents seem ill prepared.
You don’t know that the people who seem to be doing nothing
with their lives are gathering the knowledge and experience
that will one day write the next great American novel, uncover
the next great philosophic idea, etc. As hard as it may be to
grasp, all things are good, because all things serve us in the
way of growth and development.
11. Never taking the initiative to learn how to live within your
means—whatever your means might be.
It doesn’t matter how much or how little money you are
making, how many investments you have or savings
accounts that are stacked or absolutely empty, it doesn’t
matter how much or little debt you still have to pay off, if you
are not already in the mindset and lifestyle of living within the
means you have, the same financial problems will follow you
no matter where you go or what you achieve.

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12. Putting the things you want most off until it’s more
“convenient.”
If you’re looking for a reason not to, you’ll always find a
reason not to. If you’re looking for a way how, you’ll always
find a way how.
13. Burning bridges over minor frustrations—bridges that could
have led to jobs or relationships you didn’t know you’d want
or need.
While you’re in this weird period of infinite opportunity and
inevitable, uncanny irony and serendipity, you’re in no place
to assume that you’re not going to need every last contact
you’ve got. If you must walk out of something, learn to do so
gracefully, so the door won’t be locked if you need to walk
back in.
14. Staying at a job where you’re miserable.
I’m not saying it will happen tomorrow. I’m not saying you’ll
find your dream job in a week or even a month or three or six.
I’m saying that anybody who has accomplished anything
they’ve really wanted at a young age had one thing in
common: They were at the right place at the right time
because they were consistently putting themselves out there.
To create your own luck, up your chances and have faith that
some greater, destined force will do the rest for you. (It
sounds like a loose argument, but please, trust me.)
15. Staying in a relationship in which you secretly get the sense
that you’re settling because there’s nobody else around.
Similar to how terrible, temporary jobs become a terrible 10
years at that same job before you do anything about it,
relationships you settle for become marriages you settle for,
etc.
16. Not experimenting with your appearance because you’re
afraid any one change will define you as a whole.
There are two things it would benefit you to do here, and
those are to get really goddamn comfortable with the body
you’re stuck with and get really goddamn comfortable with
that body changing, because it’s only going to do so from

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here on out. Some of that change will be within your control;
most will not. Don’t let yourself be so attached to one way of
appearing that you make your inevitable growth and aging
even harder for yourself.
17. Never learning to say “sorry” or “thank you”—not for the sake
of how it will make you look, but because you are able to
recognize the ways in which you could have done better and
the things for which you’re humbled.
To your parents. To your exes. To your teachers. To
strangers, friends, family, the people you once knew. But
most importantly, to yourself.
18. Not ordering pizza at 4 a.m.
Or eating cake for breakfast at least once, or kissing a
stranger, or giving the person you’ve been eyeing across the
bar or café your phone number, or taking a road trip and
sleeping in the car with your best friend, or whatever other
slightly irresponsible but ultimately harmless thing you’re
tempted to do but most times don’t have the guts to.
(Do it.)
19. Waiting for something outside to fix your inside.
For the next year, job, relationship, paycheck, piece of
clothing, new apartment to fix whatever discomfort or
dissatisfaction you feel. (The latter will follow you into the
former until you fix it on its own terms.) Always.
20. Only wanting happiness.
There’s so much more in a life than just feeling content all the time.
The most important things you’ll experience will have little to do with
your happiness. They’ll be about suffering, and heartbreak, and joy,
and panic, and fear, and love, and what you come out as having
been through those things.
You will not remember the days when you were just “okay” and
“happy.” You will remember the moments of joy, and the pangs of
ache, and the things that were defining and changing and miraculous
and incredible and made you feel alive.

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Stop numbing your life because you’re afraid of yourself. The only
beast there is to tame is the one who doesn’t want to really live.

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68
THE HAPPIER