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The New York Times
.
15 Kreider, Tim. “The ‘Busy’ Trap.”
The New York Times
. 2012.
55
WHY YOU’RE
STRUGGLING
in your
RELATIONSHIPS,
based on your
ATTACHMENT
STYLE
It’s common knowledge that most of our beliefs about the world are
shaped in childhood, and most issues that people experience as
adults have something to do with what was experienced in the
earliest phases of life. Never is this more true than with romantic
relationships. They are, after all, extensions of the bonds we build
and things we come to understand about men, women, and how
they interact through our parents. Many people spend their lives re-
creating their first familial relationships, often to their own detriment.
Here, the four types of attachment styles children develop, and how
understanding your own can help you stop struggling so much in
your relationships now.
Secure
If you are someone who attaches securely, one or both of your
parents were completely attuned to your needs during early
childhood. You learned to trust people, and objectively struggle the
least with relationships, as you don’t over-respond to the idea being
rejected or dismissed. You just don’t fear it as much.
However, if you are struggling in your relationships, it’s likely
because of your complacency. You’re willing to stay in the wrong
relationships for too long, because they’re “good enough,” but at the
same time, you’re more hesitant to commit to the “right” relationships
when they come along because there’s more risk involved. You are
comfortable and prefer to stay that way, possibly at the detriment of
your heart’s true desires. What you need to do is open up to the
reality that love is scary, especially the kind of love that’s worthwhile.
Take your time, but don’t choose the easy way out.
Avoidant
If you are someone with avoidant attachment, you were likely the
child of parents who were emotionally unavailable and insensitive to
your genuine needs. You became a “little adult” at a young age,
avoided (and still avoid) expressing true pain or need for help
(especially to parents/caretakers), and highly value your
independence, almost to a fault. You are self-contained and most
comfortable alone. Your parents likely punished you for feeling
anything other than “happy,” or at least shamed you for crying or
expressing your feelings in any way that wasn’t convenient for them.
This likely has lead to intimacy issues, as you struggle to be your
whole self around someone else.
If you’re struggling in your relationships, it’s because you’ve grown
to associate “imperfections” with dismissal. You think that opening up
completely and genuinely will inevitably lead to you being unloved or
rejected, because you learned at a young age that expressing
genuine feelings could be dangerous. You are probably overly
accepting of other people’s flaws, but absolutely cannot tolerate any
of your own. What you need to do is practice opening up to other
people in a genuine way (start with friends, maybe) and see that you
won’t be disowned for being who you are. Once you develop a more
trusting attitude with others, it will become easier and easier to be
intimate.
Anxious
If you’ve developed an anxious attachment, it’s because your
parents were inconsistently attuned to your needs. At times you were
nurtured and loved, but at others they were overly intrusive and
insensitive. You likely struggle with indecisiveness and fear of the
unknown, as you never know what kind of treatment to expect from
people. You have a hard time trusting others, but at the same time,
are easily overly attached and clingy, even just to the idea of a
person. This is because you are afraid of anything you haven’t grown
to known as “safe,” and want to hang on to people rather than face
your fear of the unknown.
If you’re struggling in your relationships, it’s because you are
spending too much time mind-reading, assuming, projecting,
predicting, and anticipating outcomes in an effort to “shield” yourself
from pain, or because you refuse to let go out of fear that you’ll never
find anybody else. Either way, you’re more in your head than in your
heart, and you’re letting your life be guided by what you’re trying to
avoid, as opposed to what you’re trying to achieve. Being better in
your relationships will likely be the product of learning that the
anxiety and urgency you feel is in your head. You need to work on
refocusing your thoughts, differentiating reality from your fears, and
surrounding yourself with trustworthy, caring people.
Disorganized
If you formed a disorganized attachment in childhood, it is because
your parents or caretakers were abusive, frightening, or even life-
threatening. You wanted to escape, yet your livelihood depended on
the very people who were hurting you most. You may not have been
fully able to escape until adulthood. Your attachment figure was your
main source of distress, and to survive, you were forced to begin
disassociating from yourself.
If you’re struggling in your relationships, it’s because you haven’t
learned to listen to your emotional navigation system yet. You aren’t
choosing partners you genuinely care about, or are ignoring your
instincts because you grew up being forced not to trust yourself.
Sure, you were in pain, but if you wanted to survive, you had to
ignore that pain and convince yourself everything was all right. What
you need to do is some very serious mental/emotional work that
likely involves recalling your past trauma, and rewriting your
narrative of what happened in your life. You will need to reassociate
with your inner guidance system and learn to trust it more than you
do your thoughts or ideas.
56
16 WAYS
SUPPRESSED
EMOTIONS
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